Not being one to shrug off responsibility – I will admit I allowed myself to be treated badly – knowingly. Twice now. My first love and the latest one. I understand the implications but I also understand that what I need above all else is to find inner peace and acceptance. I understand I am this version of myself because of my own personal self-bashing.
My body is the psychical manifestation of this.
I woke up this morning and noticed a smashed whisky glass on the floor – damn I had forgotten about breaking that glass last night, I was quite fond of it, it was one of the few we managed not to break from his house. I can see him holding it, swirling it around elegantly, and talking with furrowed brow about some self- consumed subject. He was not an intellect, but being utterly oblivious to this knowledge was almost endearing.
Last week my phone was stolen – with it two years of digital memories of us. Him singing to me, videos of us, conversations, arguments, declarations of love and hate with equal intensity. Digital proof of a love that consumed me. Relationships are so different these days – this 24/7 contact we maintain with our partners, being obligated to be available virtually, when not being in their company. What’s app conversations having as much importance as eating dinner together – only there is no nonverbal feedback, you can’t see that his eyes are actually dead when he writes I love you. Two years ago it started. Coinciding events aligning perfectly – Synchronicity.
I found this sweet essay on the topic:
“Often synchronicities are simply a lark, a wink from the cosmos.
Rebecca, a screenwriter, was researching the life of a mysterious woman, a famous writer’s lover who had died tragically at a young age. Driving to Boston to view the writer’s archives, Rebecca on a whim stopped off at the sprawling cemetery in the woman’s home town, and quickly chanced upon her gravestone. On top of it was sitting a rabbit, its pink nose quivering. At the sight of Rebecca, it started skittering around in circles. In Boston a few hours later, she was reading through the writer’s diaries when in the margin of a page, she came upon a few lines of curlicue, schoolgirlish handwriting, which she recognized as being the young woman’s. The words? “Thank God for the rabbits and their funny little habits.”
“A Wink from the Cosmos,” by Meg Lundstrom
So I’ll have a smile on my face now as I clear away the glass – slowly but surely, piece by piece I’m starting to see clearer and dream bigger. It’s all as it should be. I just need to love this face in the mirror a bit more.
I cant even write the word – without thinking of my favourite wines!
I have loved Meinert Wines for many years now. Its a small boutique winery in Devon Valley, and like all small wine producers – you can taste the care in the softness of the wine. I met Martin at a wine and food pairing at Pomegranate in Melville, days when living in Cape Town was a far-fetched dream! I remember he was by far the most charming and eloquent wine maker I had ever come across. (In my vast experience of meeting wine makers in Jozi!) He is also a partner along with Ken Forrester in owning the much-loved 96 Winery in Stellenbosch. I haven’t eaten there for a while – but I can easily recall an amazing Duck and Cherry pie in front of a cosy fire!
I have a bottle of 2000 Cab which I plan on opening really soon – I’m really just looking for the perfect occasion! Well I’m waiting for synchronicity really!