A glamorous end to January

We were lucky enough to get the best seats in the house. The J&B VIP Marquee. Apparently J&B pay about a million for the tent. A pretty huge sponsorship deal. It was pretty indulgent, over the top, decadent. The guys from Man TV were swanning around – I have to wonder how at ease they are their new found status? I thought the first episode was pretty horrible – a group of not overly attractive men with inflated egos.  Only the one guy seemed comfortable in his skin. (Attitude men – its all about attitude!)  I find it so disappointing that such a good concept in the most perfect setting was so badly executed! The guys honestly looked more dignified in real life BUT Oh sooo full of themselves.

I was quite besides myself walking past Bryan Habana, but couldn’t quite find the nerve to ask him for a photo.  Randall Arahams looked very much the Metro-male. Claudia Henkel’s march through the marquee bordered on hysterical – I swear that chic thinks she is on a ramp 24/7, but with very little grace, great clouds of dust billowing around her at each step. LeeAnn Liebenberg looked quite lovely, Jeannie D must have been a bit confused about the theme – was sort of wearing a black and white wild west number. The theme itself generally just made for this spectacular show of colour and glamour –a grand  equestrian affair on a massive scale.

There were of course plenty of carrots up peoples backsides, which goes without saying…the ‘want to be’ celebrities wanting to be seen with the right crowd – but speaking of backsides – Gareth Cliff has none! It is terrible – I think there is no greater tragedy than a man without a bum. He seems to have lost plenty of weight – which maybe he shouldn’t have done. Ag shame. I loved seeing Corne and Twakkie hanging around in character. (I am afraid to admit the Most Amazing show had me in stitches  more often than not – I was practically mesmerised by the insanity!)

It was all pretty dazzling. White floors, white walls, gold fish swimming in tall vases. A GHD touch up tent outside the ladies bathrooms, with hairstylists and makeup artists. There was a rumour that there was a place where you could hand in your heels and get a free pair of havaianas sandals…the rumour was true. It was just plain frivolous and over the top. Everything your heart desired and on the house. Sushi, salmon, steak, salads, wraps. Drinks – Champagne, cocktails, whiskey, red bull, tequila. Needless to say the evening ended in a bit of blur for me…

The next day was spent at my new most favourite spot in all of Cape Town – The Grand in Granger Bay. I just love it there. It is kitschy,  colourful, chandeliers in a  warehouse, single stemmed red roses in a vase. Seats on white sand. Flaming red lips sofa on the sand. You can’t help but sink into the awesomeness of the place and quite literally just loose yourself in the environment.  Champagne, oysters, large thin crusted pizza. Greasy and delicious. Yachts just hovering at water’s edge. One can only wonder why hasn’t this been done at before? Where have you been my whole life? It has been my third visit so far and it just keeps getting better. But very pricey – R400 a head, I would guess is the average price for a meal with some drinks. But then again…I do tend to hangout with the go large or go home crowd…bless their indulgent asses!

Its Feb and word on the street is that all and sunder in the heart of the city are taking a detox month…Well I was at gym at 6.30am this morning so I may just be joining the crowds. I think I will okay conforming this once…it is for a good cause after all…

Thinking about thinking

It’s been a really strange month. Filled with some delightful distractions but also some shitty truths banging away in my head. I knew what I needed to do last year, I needed to save my life. Danger lies in those emotions we direct towards ourselves. The dangerous viewpoint of failure, not being good enough, undeserving. The devil laughing his ass off as you sink deeper and deeper into an unrelenting pit of self pity. Why me? I would fear those emotions, so I kept busy and the world, this city, people captured my heart and delighted me.

It was all I needed, now I feel this burning in the pit of my stomach. The desire for more. I try to shake dreams away. I may  even fear goals and dreams. The failure of attainment has obviously damaged me in that way. My whole life I wrestled with the question of which is the lesser evil: Is it better to have hope, to dream, to visualise what you want in life?  Ask the universe and you will receive? Or is more prudent to not have expectations? To allow the world and her mysterious ways to surprise and  delight? Unveiling the life you were meant to live, unbeknown to you until that moment you think:  “This is a good life. I am happy. ”

And love? Where does that come in? How much of love is a choice, a decision? Or is love this all consuming emotion, uncontrollable, passionate and  overwhelming desire. Falling off a cliff and landing on a cloud. The love I had,  started like falling off a cliff, then became a decision. I think that was a mistake.

There was a lady on radio, she said be happy with the life you have rather than the life you thought you would have. Is this not complacency?.

Gym is proving to be more enjoyable than I had imagined. Again, like yoga,  I love the release, the effect on my mind. I love knowing I am getting healthier and stronger each passing day, it’s a luxury I have never afforded myself in my adult life.

The downside is that work has turned into a bit of a nightmare that I can’t seem to pull myself out of. To be honest – I tend to have this yearly cycle with work – boredom and frustration after one year. But I am fighting against that as a solution, because well, last year I really didn’t focus much on work at all – it was merely a means to an end. Everything I did was a means to an end. The end being: I am single, have had all my hopes and dreams crushed – but I am happier now that have ever been. End – accomplished!

So I don’t want to have to go the route of finding another job, that will possibly satisfy me and keep me from being bored for another year. What I need to do is write more. Travel more. Learn how to improve my writing. I have known this for some time. Change, I want more change.

I couldn’t blog for a long time – I lost my way – but my way really is just this, writing it as I think it.

I am going to be signing a another years lease this week. It is amazing thinking back on who I was the first time. So excited! It makes me smile.

Jan 2009

Just a moment

I think I am going to steal this little moment for myself. I went to gym for the second time this year. I feel pretty damn fantastic – I’m not going to allow these bastards to take it away just yet. I like starting my morning like this. On the stepping machine; I thought about work, I got angry, the pain melted away. On the tread mill; I thought about people, conversations, I felt hurt, then got angry and the kilometers melted away.  So I feel a bit lighter now, sitting behind this desk eating cherries for breakfast and thinking I deserve a croissant. The chewer is dressed like an air hostess. Ghded, highlighted hair, red and blue ensemble, her ring tone is this cheesy house track.

It’s a day to keep to myself, stay quiet and focused. No more procrastination.

I have a couple of mountains to climb, but its okay I am listening to Led Zeppelin and Robert Plant is howling “Babe I ‘m Gonna leave you!” It’s the most gut wrenching sound.

Top 100 Songs of the Decade

I absolutely adore lists like this: Rolling Stone Magazine released their 100 songs of the decade. To me nothing is more reflective of our life and times like music. What Rolling Stones reminds me of is that even thought there are these huge hits that are undeniably awful, a waste of time. Pithy and pathetically manufactured junk that any blonde grinding away on the floor can pull off – there is still some real music being made. Music with lyrics. Music with instruments. Guitars, drums. Stage performance is still important. Musicians that actually work, sweat, cry go little crazy sometimes. Some wonderful original words are still being written and Rolling Stone keeps the respect, recording and acknowledging talent.

Some of my favourites and least favourites – in Rolling Stones order:

Songs of the Decade

1 | Gnarls Barkley — “Crazy” Wow almost forgot about this one. I loved this song.

3 | Beyoncé — “Crazy in Love” YUK

4 | Outkast — “Hey Ya!” Oh yes – but I simply can’t listen to it any more – The radio killed it!

6 | The White Stripes — “Seven Nation Army” – I love the heaviness of this song. It is raspy and heavy and with full blown attitude.

8 | Amy Winehouse — “Rehab” Rock chic of note – on dark and dangerous paths – genius, talent – destructively excessive. Love the lyrics, love the realness, love the darkness!

9 | U2 — “Beautiful Day” Yes, a big song of the decade, I am thinking maybe their last!?

10 | Eminem — “Stan” Had a big crush on this guy for a while…I don’t know somewhere, somehow I started really digging men in hoodies…

13 | 50 Cent — “In Da Club” Huge song of the decade – no denying that. Commercial hip hop – everyone wants to be a gangsta, Eminem living the dream for every skinny white boy.

14 | Missy Elliott — “Get Ur Freak On” Again – everyone want to be a gangsta

15 | Johnny Cash — “Hurt” BEAUTIFUL, Stirring, incredible – a rock icon covering a track from a new age modern industrialist. Now how often does that happen? A tribute to the genius of Trent Reznor. The existential nightmare of modern life. Action and consequence. Regret. The original is in the soundtrack in Natural Born Killers. The bit with the Indian healer and snakes…I could die! This is my own personal number one song of the decade!

16 | The Strokes — “Last Nite” Cool catchy sexy song.

17 | Bob Dylan — “Mississippi” Oh dear Bob – I just loved your old stuff, but I am not sure you were made for this decade.

18 | Kelly Clarkson — “Since U Been Gone” Yuk. Yuk. Yuk. God damn awful wailings. A failed attempt of trying to express female angst. Horrible. A competition does not a rock star make.

20 | Justin Timberlake — “Cry Me a River” Since hearing Diana Krall’s version of this song, I can listen to no one else.

23 | Rihanna — “Umbrella” – Another theme this decade I think, Good girl gone bad. It’s like the world is ‘warming’ to the darker side and marketing is trying to make it more user friendly – Glittery vampires…Brittany…

24 | Radiohead — “Everything in Its Right Place” Much respect.

26 | Coldplay — “Clocks” I loved this song when I first heard it, there was something so perfectly balanced between the music and his voice. This wonderful harmony and flow. Very dreamy.

29 | Kanye West — “Gold Digger” I must admit, this was a firm favourite of mine. I loved the mix of OLD with the new – definitely a cool track to dance to, to make as ass of oneself. I also have a weakness for biographical movies about music legends – and Jamie Foxx portrayal of Ray Charles was really good.

35 | Bruce Springsteen — “The Rising” I was very impressed with this song. Not a bad comeback at all. For me it proved he had musicality and a good solid rock foundation to produce something of so much quality.

38 | Gorillaz — “Clint Eastwood” Another song – I am guilty of killing with my own hands and ipod.

40 | Kelis — “Milkshake” I suppose it had to make it on this list. I suppose being the decade of the naughties, songs like this, I kissed a Girl – lyrics to shock – immediate hits.

45 | Kylie Minogue — “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” Kylie makes a sexy comeback – amazingly not completely transforming her image or music style.

47 | Green Day — “American Idiot” I first watched Greenday perform at the 94’s Woodstock concert they showed on TV. He had blue spiky hair, wore all black and had a red tie on with a question mark. It was love at first sight. Every year they seem to get better and better.

48 | The Killers — “Mr. Brightside” Well. *Jumps up and down*!

50 | Beyoncé — “Single Ladies” – urg – sadly this stupidly irritating song is kind of the soundtrack of my decade

52 | Christina Aguilera — “Beautiful” I liked the somewhat dark gothy Christina. Like Madonna in Frozen. It suits them.

55 | OutKast — “Ms. Jackson” Last time I heard this it was actually at Chevelle of all places. Awesome cute number. “Never meant to make your daughter cry,I apologize a trillion times…”

61 | Jet — “Are You Gonna Be My Girl” Cool, has a bit of a punk, naughty feel.

62 | Alicia Keys — “Fallin’” Love this womans voice. Sings straight from  her gut!

66 | Madonna — “Music” OKay Madge enough now.

72 | Kings of Leon — “Use Somebody” This is a surprise – I really thought Sex on Fire would be here instead.

79 | Robert Plant and Alison Krauss — “Gone Gone Gone” So good to see him back. His voice is still good. Nice little, pleasant number – but I am not sure I want to associate pleasant with Led Zeppelin.

81 | Pink — “Get The Party Started” Another one the radio and nightclubs murdered.

93 | Snoop Dogg — “Drop It Like It’s Hot” Hahahahahaha Of course!

96 | Lady Gaga — “Poker Face” Oh goodness – she really will never be forgotten.

The Full list is over here:

Music is a safe type of high. It’s more the way it was supposed to be. That’s where highness came, I guess, from anyway. It’s nothing but rhythm and motion.

– Jimi Hendrix

First day back – smack

It’s a well know fact that ultimately the people you work with have the biggest effect on your day to day levels of comfort in the workplace. Its problematic, because unlike your friends and very much like your family, you don’t get to pick them. I am just trying to zone out, build a couple of imaginary walls around my chair. A Reticent reclusive f off look on my face

I just want to get through to the other side. I would like to rather not care. I would like to not care about a great deal of things at the moment. They are curdling in the pit of my stomach. Of course it is the first day back at work. Nothings taints quite like the darkness that comes at the end of holidays.

I am not a fan of routine – I am not thrilled of the prospect of it swallowing me up whole. So this is the year for even more changes.

Resolutions and plans for 2010

1. Career and study plan. Research, set some goals, be realistic but brave. Write more. Read more.

2. Start gym and jogging , but keep up with yoga.

3. Wear more colour. Try to only buy colour.

4. Try to be less sensitive, stand my ground more and listen to my instincts.

5. Look after my home, start improving it, spend more time alone.

6. Change my Sunday blues attitude. Emotional times are often born from fatigue. Change this.

7. Strive to be on time

8. Listen more, talk less.

9. Sort out my car, get a post-box and renew British passport.

10. Buy a couch, get a TV, buy a laptop.

Other than that, I really hope for inspiration, to be surrounded by good people. To be a good friend, sister, daughter. To keep certain fears at bay. To find a creative outlet. To achieve success on that level. To not feel lost. To be excited and thrilled and breathless. To travel and have some great adventures.

God it all sounds so boring really…no wonder I didn’t do this last year. Maybe I am just in an evil mood!

Back to the darkness…

Never to be Forgotten

I am in Hout Bay with one of my oldest friends. All around me there are views of the mountain and sea. I needed a bit of a breather away from the city, the crowds. Christmas flew by in a whirlwind. It was an emotional one. All missed my uncle and an sms sent from his dazzling daughter had us all rather tearful. Moonbeam I know you will read this – you touched us all and you were all greatly missed.

It is tough to write, to put words to the year that was. So many firsts. The big test: Can I actually do this? On my own, my own terms? I did it. I didn’t go home – I made a new home, found angels in friends, and was bewitched and bedazzled by the city. Watched as the summer sun shook us all awake, seduced by the excitement in the air.

There is so much I have questioned – poorly developed ideas and notions about who I am and what I like and dislike – thrown into the wind. Where I think preconceived notions should probably all go…

I have no idea what is about to happen. I know I want to achieve more. In front of me there are the most marvellous stepping-stones, lovingly placed by this woman whose face I didn’t recognise at the start of this year – I look at her now in the mirror and I have to admit I am quite proud.

Okay I think I am ready… farewell 2009 ,it has been truly life changing.

Old Long Syne, by James Watson

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished,
and fully past and gone:
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,
that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect
on Old long syne.

On Old long syne my Jo,
in Old long syne,
That thou canst never once reflect,
on Old long syne.

My Heart is ravisht with delight,
when thee I think upon;
All Grief and Sorrow takes the flight,
and speedily is gone;
The bright resemblance of thy Face,
so fills this, Heart of mine;
That Force nor Fate can me displease,
for Old long syne

The 4 P’s of love

Rox wrote a lovely post about needful things of two thousand and wine.  I am totally stealing her concept to do something frivolous for a change:

A few of my favourite things: (strangely enough they all start with P)

Pearls: Something about a little black dress, a tan and pearls. Classy, elegant, timeless. One of Brazens sponsors have this darling necklace. Isnt she lovely?:

Plum Jellies: I should hopefully be receiving a pair of these delicious sandals in the mail soon – I cannot wait. They look like the perfect beach wear this summer!  I also happen to know their Marketing manager writes the most touching and entertaining newsletters.

Pink: From 30 Years of avoiding the colour pink like the plague – like all good Goths should. This year I have a bright pink iPod, bright pink bikini, pink glittery sundress, pink lip gloss and pink MCC.

Purple yoga mat: As much as I love to jump up and down, laugh, clap and scream – I think yoga has provided me with the peace I need to stay mentally healthy and physically fit. I haven’t ever really been one to believe in things like chakra’s and aura’s  - but I definitely feel as though it realigns me – helps me shrug off the bullshit that sometimes finds its way between my shoulder blades.

And yoga is where I am headed this afternoon…to declutter and realign…

Along the lines of beauty stuff, I found a very interesting place for gals to visit: Best Beauty Buys ( I am such a sucker for these articles – shame on me!)

Up and down

My friends tears break my heart. Behind most smiles, there is a hurt, an uncertainty. A quickness to doubt ones one own worth. My friend called me at midnight, she was in Camps Bay angry  broken-hearted, hurt and I can’t quite describe the relief I felt when finally, after running around like a mad woman, I found her. Small. Defeated. The man immediately becomes a tyrant in my eyes and I am reminded how crucial it is to have respect, to respect what you might not necessarily agree with or understand in another person. It’s The things we hold close and true to ourselves and more often than, It’s what is used against us – getting hurt by those we love.

It’s terrible what two people can do to each other – but I suppose the flip side of the same coin is the happiness you can share with someone who has earned your trust and love. Anyway I try hard  to not offer advice, every person is different and I cannot assume to know what goes on behind closed doors.

There was one romantic love story this weekend. Chris’s proposal to Fiona on iMod. Very sweet, very romantic. A thousand congratulations!

It was a really busy weekend, a weekend raging with excitement. The Champagne festival this year far exceeded all my expectations. This year there was the addition of a dance floor and mirror balls and many new MCC’s to taste. There was one problem however – not one, but three women were wearing the same dress as I, needless to say I made three new friends:  gals with excellent taste.

Then there was dinner in the winelands with old friends and my favourite wine maker, followed by what I can only refer to as Long Street mayhem.  Sunday was a day on the beach, followed by Goldfish at La Med. The energy was awesome, hot sweaty, incredible music…

What comes up must come down as I face another Monday. The sky is grey which kind of suits my mood, it provides a nice calmness to the city, especially after such a super charged weekend. I just wish it didn’t have to come down quite so fast, it would be good to get a chance to exhale…

La Med on a Sunday - SOLD

Cars, Planes and cigarettes

I had a fast trip to Joburg. We spent more time in the airport drinking Gin and Tonics than anything else. (Delayed flights, being too early.) An interesting thing about travelling with work colleagues, is how the dynamics change. Inevitably I turn into part clown / part Mother type person leading the way, carrying the tickets and making insane suggestions. The hardest bit – I was the only non-smoker. Every smoke break, every bar, at the end of every trip, I stood by and watched them light up. It killed me – it was the ultimate test. I survived. I don’t think I am going to struggle again. Not after that.

The weather was beautifully fine. The speeches were long. IT people should never do presentations about IT. It is simply not a good idea. The IT presentation made my eyeballs hurt from trying to look alert. I wasn’t the only one, throughout the auditorium heads were bobbing and jerking, creative attempts were made to stretch ones legs under the seat in front, in a space only generous enough to fit ones foot sideways. The IT presenter was thoroughly in his speech, was one with his speech and remained blissfully ignorant of the resounding sounds of yawns and fidgeting and blind to the enviable audacity of those who left the room for sudden bathroom emergencies.

There was one of those motivational speaker type people. Those that tell funny stories and in-between the jokes spew the work propaganda – work hard, actions speak louder than words, pick yourself up when down – then more jokes. Subliminal messages seeping into our heads while we laugh I suppose…but then came his last part. The story of a young boy going with his father to a shebeen in KwaThema, it was his Gran’s birthday and they ran out of beers. He described the shebeen as a dark room with metal bars covering every window, an old hunched up lady with her head covered. Inexplicably he felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end, he squeezed his Dad’s hand and begged him to leave. He told us that his Dad yelled at him and said he must be a man. soon after, men he described as animals,  walked in behind them. One man put a knife into his Fathers  neck, he said his Dad was a large man, strong and tough, so  he watched as his father fought him until he was on the ground, but then there were more, and they had guns. He was shot once and his Dad died after the 9th bullet hit him.

I don’t know about anyone else in the room – but I was just finished with tears running down my face! I could see it like it was happening in front of me. I used to hear township stories daily, one of my dearest friends was married in Soweto. She was loud, smoked, wore tight jeans and a different hairstyle every other week. She would tell me stories. We would sit in the sun, drink savannahs – two girls from two completely different worlds, born only a couple of days apart, and she would tell me stories, stories I will never forget.

She was 25 when she died. I arrived at work and they told me it was suicide, I knew otherwise. Her husband fell in love with her because she was sexy, confident, cheeky and outspoken. His approval vanished the day she became his bride. A young girl at 25 – how little we knew.

Memories flooding back, back to my trips to Soweto, the Hector Pieterson museum, then the Regina Mundi Church. I saw the bullet holes in the walls and tried to hold back the tears as they sang and wailed at my friends funeral. The Cemetery. Buses and buses of mourners, the heat, the dust. My colleagues in their suits shovelling sand onto her grave. Her Mom, on her knees wailing, thumping her breast.

 

I found a bit of writing. I was in quite a state of shock after she died, but I am glad I wrote something at that time.

 

I loved to be in your presence, sitting beside you was enough.

When you were cold you would put your hand up my sleeve and rest your head on my shoulder

You had me convinced the world is great, colourful and exciting.

Coming from a township girl, how could I not believe you.

Two girls from two different worlds.

My nemesis, my partner in crime and fabulous conversations.

Two women from two different worlds.

The world needs to come to a stop for this untamed beauty and my friend is no longer here.

 

Joie de vivre

One of the first things I noticed when I stopped smoking was how cigarettes punctuated time. They define the beginning or the start of something and then mark the end.  Pieces of time neatly compartmentalised, the beginning, middle and end of a timeline. The slow lethargic morning smoke, a capital letter starting the day and the contemplative smoke at the end of the evening. The full stop. Nothing says Friday quite like that first drag with a drink in hand, facing the ocean. It marks the moment. Not that I still miss it – now I mark the moment by ordering something even more indulgent and take tremendous pleasure in the return of my senses and the smell of the sea.

Of course the most significant markers of time is ones birthday. Another year, like lines on the bark of a tree. Are your roots stronger? Have you managed to free your branches, are they growing towards the sky and swaying in the wind or becoming more and more entangled with others, only just hovering above ground, moss covered and in the damp shadows?

Birthdays – I can’t say I always enjoyed them – I always had great expectations and was inevitably disappointed. Spoilt? Yes most definitely. With the family I have, I am and have always been the luckiest girl alive – so yes – undeniably spoilt!  Last year turning 30, the truth of the world suddenly thrust its full weight on me. Empowering is when you realise you have choices and confidence blossoms when you throw the bullshit fear off your back, in between there are bound to be moments when you gasp for air. I think it is just part of the process.

My birthday week and weekend was filled to the brim with much hustle and bustle. Not one moment passed , when I didn’t fully acknowledge how truly lucky and blessed I am to have the friends I have. I received the most amazing thoughtful gifts and felt surrounded by awesomeness the entire time. The fact that I use awesome and Yay a thousand times a day…well let’s just say – DT in her 20’s probably wouldn’t approve. I had cake, flowers, wine, tequila, books, perfume, music, belly dancing, humus, dancefloors, rooftops, camera’s, movies, pizza for breakfast, jewellery, laughter, the most amazing friends, lotions and potions and birthday cards adorned with heart warming words. The blessing: All but one were not in my life 12 months before. A second chapter – more like a different book.

It is a newfound lightness of spirit I will wear into my next year – I am wholly proud of my branches swaying in the wind and I am honestly excited and intrigued to see what else is round the corner.

Rapturous, Delicious and delirious – Friday on a hot summers day

My brother will be in the city tonight – and no doubt a big Joburg crowd will gather, tomorrow I plan on taking my first trip to Kirstenbosch Gardens to celebrate a lovely lady’s birthday and the evening another Charismatic Scorpio celebrates his birthday. I really do love November!

My Joburg boy

I met him when I was 23 on my first official office job. The years before I had spent travelling and then working as a sales rep for a liquor company. The nine to Five stint was going to take some getting used to. He was a fast talker. Afrikaans, dressed incredibly smart for his age. Everything about his look suggested a serious young man, brought up adhering to strict standards and ready to conquer the banking world – but his eyes, they were full of delightful mischief. He took me under his wing, despite being a couple of years younger than I, and showed me the ropes. Before long we were willingly working the night shift, out night after night partying up a storm until the early hours of the morning. A fellow Scorpio, a fellow creature of the night, always wanting more, extremism to the highest point of exaltation. As our careers developed, our friendship developed into a flirty,  fun relationship, which everyone in the office witnessed and envied. We would have our cigarette breaks together and just sit and laugh at the most inane things. He made my work day fun. A thousand phone calls, he always had an idea in his head and I loved his impulsiveness. He wouldn’t just talk – he would act and act bravely – diving in head first. I always hoped that this courage would rub off eventually. We had a similar work ethic at that time, when I wanted to burn the midnight oil working on a project I loved, he was right there. Sometimes invading my PC , all applications closed except for notepad and ‘HELLO’ written in Bold.

Suddenly through sheer hard work, he became brilliant in his field and left to conquer the world. I will never forget how my heart sank when he walked out the building. It had been the most special work relationship I had ever had.

We have stayed in touch and I am not surprised to get a phone call from him, saying he is in CT for a couple of hours , inevitably I drop everything to see him, even if it is a fast coffee down the road.

Last week it was different, he was here for a night and a day – I knew this was going to be trouble! My friend has grown into a sexy, successful man. He still rages, is impulsive and has endless woman problems. I love him to bits.

I felt that same sadness, like the day he left work, on the way to the air port. He had a bottle of Fairview Cab in one hand, cigarette burning in the other. Trance music loudly paying in the car – Telling me about the party he went to in Amsterdam. Conversations flying, ideas, thoughts, plans, travel arrangements a thousand things happening at once. A typical Joburg ride. My heart sank saying goodbye to man who beats me in energy, enthusiasm and sheer craziness.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. Not even for a minute. It was a combination of the super resilience of the most persistent mosquitoes that ever lived, a busy mind and an utterly exhausted body. I think the party may just be catching up to me. I have a Doctor’s note booking me off for the rest of the week – but I also have some crazy deadlines at work and an exam to study for and write. I wish I could have a dose of that mosquitoes’ super powers.

 

Today I was also given permission to be a queen bitch, I am apparently too soft and accommodating. Why now…why when I am at my weakest?

 

God my writing sucks at the moment – I wish this constant desire to talk to myself would stop for a while…

Self reprimand

First thing I saw this morning was my white bikini lying on the floor, it was like my uniform this weekend! Shucks going to work was a hard thing to do, seeing my pool was worse. Summer totally kills any desire for a honest days work!

Sense: “So crazy lady,  I hope you stayed in and had a calm weekend like you promised yourself you would?”

Madness: “Well…”

Sense:  “You are going to get your ass into so much trouble one day!”

Madness:”I had reasons to celebrate – a lovely Lebanese dinner, very efficiently sorted out my birthday arrangements… I have lost weight – which is totally bizarre! I don’t really know how it happened – next thing I knew; I was in the city having a whale of a time! I think I can blame Vit B injection…”

Sense:  “Then you had a hangover the whole Saturday no doubt – rendering you useless.”

Madness: “Which wasn’t actually such a bad thing – I couldn’t go shopping, so I saved a fortune – and lay by the pool all day getting a marvelous tan.”

Sense:  “Then probably arrived three hours late for your evening with Rox and the Twitter ladies? Crazy, mad irresponsible cow – I don’t know how people put up with you sometimes…”

Madness: “It was such a lovely night towards the end and I met a cute Viking…”

Sense:  “Whose name you can’t remember…”

Madness: “I know it started with R, he called at a really bad time yesterday.”

Sense:  “What -  between the sixth or seventh glass of bubbly at JC Le Roux?”

Madness:” Yesterday was Hectic! Saw the ex, went to wine farms, had a swim in a big fake rock pool.”

Sense:  “And blew your fortune previously saved on cases of wine. Cases?”

Madness: “Well my birthday is coming up…”

Sense:  “CASES???”

Sense:  “You did one good thing.”

Breakfast at Tiffany’s at the Grand Daddy – Popcorn, popping candy, sherbet with a straw, a glass of red, blankets – intermission and the loveliest people.

Yes that was quite marvellous – a virtuous way indeed to end the weekend!

No half measures here

Throughout the day, my mind kept slipping. In a direction I wish it hadn’t. I struggle enough with Sundays – this train of thought would never end at a joyful destination. Eight years, eight years…surely he remembers. It was this time last year that the unthinkable starting to form shape in my mind. In beginning, it was a bit of a fantasy – leaving him and I won’t lie, up to the very day I left, there was something in me that believed he would stop me – despite this kind of confrontation being so outside his character – it would be laughable. Still I believed…like I still do…in this allusive love thing – love like Fanta – As Po put it –in her quirky synopsis of unrequited love.

Sometimes I worry I will be hit with a sudden realisation that I have made a terrible mistake – that the world is cruel and hateful and mean – and when one finds a companion strong enough to deal with you,  you should really just hold on with your life. Luckily I have met enough people to show me otherwise. I have met the most interesting men – my God from all walks of life – I had no idea men could be so different, with such an array of quirks and attributes. The two most dominant males in my life are of course my Dad and my Brother. These are strong, intelligent men – men who are simply men – my ex was very similar – in behaviour but perhaps not with the same generosity and family minded sincerity – he was more of a lone thinker, a non conformer who worked on his own – for himself. Him and him alone. (Hindsight, like a broken light bulb).

It’s been seven months now – gave up my home, gave up my man, and gave up smoking. There is a price I pay for having courage of my convictions. The nights when I am alone with my thoughts, the space in my mind where there are no half measures. No one around to give me that look – that says – get serious asshole! It’s quite a perk having a boyfriend that kind of has to pretend to listen to you moan about stuff – even a deaf ear has to be better than talking to yourself – or having those thoughts dance in your head, thoughts colliding with ideas, ideas spinning around self doubt, uncertainty bashing into corrective platitudes – all resulting in quite an exhausting symphony of chaos…

Then I miss the friends I don’t make by not smoking, the flirting, and the gossiping that can only happen around an ashtray standing in the sun – as gorgeous as that sounds!

Halloween – pumpkin time.  This also means my birthday is round the corner.  My favourite month is about to begin. The month of the Scorpio – the sexiest star sign! (I am happy to report that Google has also confirmed what I have known all along!)

No bias there.

Someone at work just gave me the sweetest compliment – I was caught so unaware I am currently three shades of pink…

Its all in the YAY and TGIF

Mmmn that itchy feeling. Time to get into the sun. Beach, MCC, sushi – summer.

I didn’t start the day well – not at all, but now I have an increase letter to celebrate, a lovely friend to meet, a social experiment and a bruise on my backside from my third Vit B injection!

I have made peace with lady that makes me feel short – I think it is because it is Friday after all and I am feeling the love, for all and sunder…

It’s been a frivolous week outside of work – now to just top it up, end it right! Time to go LARGE!