Lacklustre

Seriously; it is Wednesday already? How did that happen?

Normally it would be a good thing, only that this week my parents are here and I love their company. They have brought a bit of reality back into my life. Made me acknowledge how different things are since they saw me last and I am happy to say – they are pleased with the changes.

I too am feeling pretty chuffed with my state of affairs. Never one for moderation, I will not regret charging into this new life like an exploding canon, but it is good to have some grounding influences every now and then.

Before I fell asleep last night I realized what is really lacking right now: It is stimulation. I am totally craving a good book, a good play or even a good movie. I kind of miss the conversations I used to have with my man about politics, history, science, all things of no and every importance.

Every time I contemplate buying a book, I can’t help but glace at the larger than life unwrapped parcel of UNISA textbooks. I know I need to start studying, get cracking with assignments – but hell the stimulation I so desire, is definitely not going to be found in economics!

Pay day is just around the corner – maybe my boredom will be somewhat satiated by a new pair of shoes, or perhaps a day at the spa…

My Oscar

It is going to be a good week. Somehow I was awake bright and early this morning, cleaning my flat, doing a load of washing and getting rid of dirty dishes. It was remarkable how much time I had to myself in those couple of hours; between feeling the chill of the early morning, enjoying the sunrise with a cup of tea and then watching as the light filled up my home and the city warmed up. It is going to be another glorious sparkling warm day.

My parents arrive this afternoon to check out my new space and to have a bit of a holiday by the sea. I know they will love it. I also know my father is going to have a lot to say about the poor, sad, neglected state of my car. One would think that by preempting his distain, I would be better equipped to handle it with patience and maybe a sense of humor, but this is seldom the case.

The chewer has on her desk the biggest bowl of fruit I have ever seen and whilst I commend her on healthy eating, I can only shudder in anticipation of the sounds that will soon fill this room!

It is going to be a very different kind of week with Parents and the many dinner reservations, then during the day, a full week of training on a new system of sorts. I love all day training sessions, learning new things.

 I do so love a break from the routine!

 

Right now it is impossible to escape news of the Oscars - but I rather prefer this Oscar:

 ”It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.”

“A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is invariably plain.”

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”

“There is no sin except stupidity.”

“To be good, according to the vulgar standard of goodness, is obviously quite easy. It merely requires a certain amount of sordid terror, a certain lack of imaginative thought, and a certain low passion for middle-class respectability.”

“Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.”

OSCAR WILDE

Just two girls

I have really been stretched to the limit this week. It has been non stop and the end is not yet in sight. There was dinner with the man, which was emotional but also very good. I love that he just gets me and I am sure he will always be important in my life. There was the girls night out at the V&A. There was a lovely dinner at the very classy Sevruga – a platter of beautiful sushi and a bottle of the always reliable Rupert and Rothschild!

Then there was my most significant and no doubt life changing reunion with my very first best friend. This girl was the sister I never had. We started liking boys together, went on our first Ice Skating dates together, experimented with makeup and had countless slumber parties. She had the New Kids on the Block poster while I had Bros!  We also watched our very first horror movie together – IT – Stephen King. We spoke about that last night, we remember everything vividly and share a fear of clowns that I doubt will ever fade!

I loved seeing this much loved childhood friend as a gorgeous and exotic Greek woman! As kids I was the bossy one, the leader and instigator of all our mischief and grand plans and she was my sidekick – how things have changed! Last night I looked at my old friend on the dance floor, surrounded by what I can only describe as Greek Gods (Dark hair, built like a dream, olive skin, piercing blue eyes, apparently they are a dime a dozen in Greece!) and marveled at her free spirit, her confidence and her innocence. She was taken out of Joburg when we were still young and was kept sheltered from some of the harsher sides of being a teenager,  that I was left to deal with. She has travelled and shopped all over the world, almost got married, fallen in and out of love many times. I am so very happy to reunite with her again and who knows a little trip to Greece might just be in the near future!

Gosh this city living is proving to be quite demanding…

He’s just not that into you

I was very happy when I was invited to join the lovely SexyRedframe and her dynamic friends to watch this chick flick. The cinema was filled with girls and it was great fun hearing all the jeers and laughter while we watched men feeding obvious bullshit lines to completely naïve women.  I then watched my life being played out by Jennifer Aniston. The absolute misery and humiliation one has to endure after being in a relationship for exactly seven years and realising that he will never marry you! If you haven’t watched, stop reading because it is the ending that has me really cheesed off!

What the hell is it with Hollywood and their damn happy endings? The book was written to liberate women from our bizarre and insane habit of staying with a man or attaching ourselves to men that are really not worth our time. It is a very much ‘get real’ philosophy which all women need to embrace. Even in this day and age women still make excuses for their men, stay in love with their potential and remain foolishly optimistic that one day, miraculously he will wake up, look at you and be the lover and partner you deserve. There is absolutely no logic in this train of thought. In our heart of hearts we know we are settling, we know our desires, but hell – you just simply love him. Surely that counts. Damn happy endings. I had the same disappointment watching the Sex and City movie. The series was liberating because it was real, women being blatantly sexual and being vocal with what they wanted in life, what they wanted in a man. Then bam – regurgitated by Hollywood and it’s the flippin knight in shining armor bullshit and the happily ever after wedding in a plain sweet dress. Man rescuing women from a lifetime of promiscuity and lonely nights in front of a laptop! The fact that authors consent to such a debased version of their initial concept – the child they gave birth to – is deplorable.

I wasn’t alone in my opinion;  Redframe’s gorgeous and witty sister was in full agreement and she has actually read the book! We are in the same boat, we want to be congratulated for having the guts to leave our failing men, not being subjected to a soppy ending of a new man, suddenly clean shaven, in a new shiny white suit, going down on his knees and proposing. Again with the wedding scene and the sweet white dress – another woman saved!

Another bit of irony is that the book proclaims we are more often the norm and not the exception. Happy endings are the exception and yet by its very nature chick flicks are the exact genres promoting that continued naivety the book seeks to expose!

BUT when all is said and done: There were some really funny bits and the overall message, albeit slightly twisted in the end, is a good one and that is why we watch these movies in the first place! And I had a really good time in great company!

Well there’s my rant and review…I feel much better now.

I wear a brave face.

There is probably something I need to acknowledge. I need to face the facts. I am in a bit of a mess. All over the place. I have this inexplicable reluctance to make plans, to create order, to sort out things stashed away in boxes. It isn’t procrastination, it is denial and it is rearing its ugly, unwanted head in my dreams. A couple of years ago, I suffered endless nights of lucid dreams. Horrible violent dreams which I couldn’t stop. I would go through a series of stages when I thought I was awake and the hell would continue. After much research,  I thought the remedy might be in attempting to control what happened in the dreams in a good way, to change the outcome,  but that only led to an even greater depth of indescribable fear. When I would finally wake up, my heart beat was deafening, the fear still very much present. The idea of going back to sleep unbearable. The lack of sleep eventually drove me to a psychologist, my lecturer at the time. It helped, but now they are back.

 ”A lucid dream is a dream in which the person is aware that they are dreaming while the dream is in progress, also known as a conscious dream. When the dreamer is lucid, they can actively participate in and often manipulate the imaginary experiences in the dream environment. Lucid dreams can be extremely real and vivid depending on a person’s level of self-awareness during the lucid dream.“

 There is a huge amount of research about how to attain lucid dreams – I know it is supposed to be something special, almost a gift – I don’t know why, for me it just goes to a dark place, the realisation that I can do what I like, is simply petrifying.

  I think I am still unaccustomed to the lights, the sounds and noises of my new home and this too is partly to blame for these feelings of alienation and uncertainty.  I think my mind is trying to deal with all my shit on my behalf, at night in my sleep,  because I have simply refused to acknowledge that my life needs a serious look.  I am the sole provider of my own sanity, I need to take this self of mine and be responsible. I also really need a good night’s sleep!

He sent me an sms last night that drove daggers through my heart. Just three words and parenthesis. It spoke volumes about what it means to lose something you never fully appreciated until it is gone. I can’t help him with that. For now it is only me and the mental fragility I need to address.

 So bring on a week of quiet reflection, some harsh reality checking. Unpacking the all the boxes in my head and in my home!

I do fly - but then I crash