We’re all going on a summer holiday…

This is where I am going to be in eleven days.

I know. I can hardly believe it myself.

The DanceFloor Tragedy, with all my drama, heartache, work stresses, excessive punctuation, anger, emotional turbulence…. on a paradise Island.

I will cease to exist in this current life form. I am going to morph into something buttery, something tanned and happy. I will be submerged in waters, I will wear silly goggles, float above fishy creatures… I will laze on the beach in humongous sunglasses, I will drink margaritas with my feet in cool white sands.  It will be all blue and white and warm and palm trees.

I will forget my name…

Thank you

A lovely lady sat with me on her stoep and we spent an entertaining evening blogging and drinking red wine.

She works magic with arty software that I have no knowledge of and her fingers whizz over the keyboard with dizzying grace.

She designed my header, but we were somewhat limited to what WP can offer. I still need to find a host for my baby, but I am excited that this is something which will continue to evolve.

You can visit her here:

Link Creations

Now I must find my boots – Long Street and a whiskey is calling my name!

Questions

There are many things I question on a daily basis – most importantly;  understanding what fulfils me as a person, what brings me joy and where can I contribute.  I am in a very specialised position – in a role which touches many fields – but doesn’t quite master any particular one. This has made my profession somewhat niche – locking me into a narrow future. I want to break out from that, but all the same I appreciate enjoying  a good salary and living a comfortable life – one that I may not be prepared to jeopardise by chasing some flight of fancy. Very practical words from a highly impractical woman – I have my lucid moments. There are many irrefutable characteristics of my professional personality which I need to consider. Like the fact that I cannot be a team player when I perceive my colleagues to be of a simple intellect. That I cannot respect authority which fails to inspire and motivate me. That I am hellishly stubborn when it comes to something I believe in, confident in its outcome. I value my own personal space and privacy at the workplace. No,  I do not want to be your FB friend and I do not want to socialise with you outside of the workplace.  Not unless you are spectacular and honest and interesting and creative – in my industry  traits as rare as a love of peas. Most importantly;  that I thrive on learning, developing new skills, being challenged that  my strengths are noticed, valued and used efficiently.

So I am pretty much in a tricky situation. I have a second degree which I need to complete, I have some scarifies I need to make. This may relate to where I live, how I spend my time. Too often I just push these thoughts back down into the dark recesses of my mind. I settle for the status quo, somewhat subdued and resigned  in that honest hard work will should reap its own rewards?! I am so blessed in all other aspects of my life, that to settle for something mundane in regards to my livelihood isn’t anything to be scoffed at. There are positives in that I don’t take what I do to heart, my work remains in this ugly building of grey, it remains in the hours of 9 to 5 and is forgotten over the weekends. It definitely doesn’t define me – in fact I cringe when people ask me what I do – because it is so contrary to the person I am. In all these years I have never been able to assimilate my personal identity with my professional title.

But there’s always that question that bothers me – how am I contributing? Are the things I am good at – however humble they may be , a contributing factor  towards my happiness and satisfaction. Will I have regrets?

In many ways I find relief in this train of thought – I am glad the mundane hasn’t suffocated my hope or ambitions. That I am still an individual in this place of rotten conformity.

Hell hath no fury…

I kind of feel like giving a speech – taking on the masses.

There are nights and mornings I wake up with this feeling of dread. It’s pretty awful. Then the day comes and goes and inbetween there are moments were you think you are ok, that you’ll do. You can rock this life crap. Unfortunately in this world there are annoying people walking the planet, people that poke and prod, that without consent irritate your well being. So when one is in a fragile state of mind – these aggravating beasts, seem to develop powers of an ungodly kind.

A hippy sort of character – in the guise of a psychologist once said that if you feel anxious about people – envision being surrounded by a pink light …huh? I can hardly think of the colour pink, when flames from the depths of hell of ignite my face. Okay – so find a happy place…no that will simply not do – because right now my happy place is nicely ensconced in thoughts of violence and mayhem.

There are all kinds of reasons one can find to forgive the behaviour of others – there are all kinds of reasons one can take sole responsibility for the way you are treated. But for me it’s simple. It is how I was raised, to hold sacred certain values; respect, class, consideration, integrity. Simple. Yesterday I was told I need to accept that not everyone is like me. Other than being a precious, pearl of valuable and original advice; I graciously decline. I am done with acceptance, accepting all the shit thrown in my direction. I am done compromising, it only encourages the stupid people to revel even more in their stupidity.

I feel overwhelmingly better. I am after all assisting in making this world a better place. “Bring stupidity and mediocrity to an end – stop compromising!”

And exhale.

Passenger

Write, write, and write damnit! Don’t let the pace of life stop you. This who you are, this is what you want. To document, record, to try really hard to recapture those moments, those feelings that are undeniably changing you. There are forces out there trying to stop you, there is evil in the mundane. They try to drag you down, smog up your head. Slow moving, fat traffic. The same car with the annoying sign of “angel on board” stuck in front, representing so much of what you don’t want to become. Mediocre. Average. Simple.

Stuck. That’s the word. Rinse, wash repeat. A cage of routine and patterns. Terrible awful stuff!

BUT I am pretty damn pleased that mediocrity is the least of my worries at the moment. Not only has Winter graced us with a fair degree of warmth and sunshine but this ‘dark’ season has also presented its own set of adventures and challenges. We had a lovely little train ride to Kalk Bay to celebrate a birthday. It was one of those days when the perfect collection of people get together and there is this awesome synergy making anything possible. Walks on the Promenade, philosophising about life and love, ice creams in hand. A memorable and incredibly special last week of the world cup with my beautiful friend ModelM in her home. Sleeping beneath the wedding gown that inspires me to dream big.

Woman’s day weekend we spent in the country, in a sleepy little coastal town, fourteen of us, give or take a few, sitting around a wooden table playing games, drinking champagne and so much laughter; Side splitting laughter, endless streams of conversation. I loved every moment. These times and memories mean so much to me because well…it is still devastatingly fresh – the many years spent in isolation. Worlds away – but etched into my being none the less.

Wednesday night we attended the launch of Cape Town fashion week. I remember all too well how excited I was last year, attending my very first runway show. Still very much overawed by City life and the glitz and the glamour, there were only stars in my eyes. This year I am more excited because of my various friend’s involvement in the events and the roles they are playing. Me: a happy passenger.

It was a very pleasant surprise when we realised the launch party was being held in the old Riboville building, now Brio – almost unrecognisable. (The old lift and light changing bathrooms are however still intact.) My pleasure was rather short-lived when walking into the entrance I was obliged to stand and pose for a number of photographers. I am not a fan of the camera and die a thousand deaths whenever I see myself in a photograph. My fear of course, contributes very little in improving my nonexistent photogenic qualities– so it’s a rather vicious and pathetic cycle. I kept wanting to protest: “Seriously I am no one of any importance, there is really no need whatsoever to waste your time and fancy lighting equipment on little old me!” Honestly I cannot even fake self importance.

All in all it was an entertaining evening, I am not one to shrug lightly at the appeal of free champagne and a new snazzy city venue.

Tonight I am lucky enough to attend my first show at the convention center. I am going to be introduced to the designs of David West. Again I am incredibly exited and will probably not do well in cultivating a bored expression on my face as per the fashionable requirement.

In line with Fashion week. My fashionista friend launched her brand new shiny website:  www.threads-of-fashion.com. She will be documenting all the happenings at Cape Town Fashion week. I am thrilled for her, because I know her words and perspective will be of a unique and heartfelt sentiment. She is going to be in the centre of it all, schmingling and schmoozing and documenting – the makings of a truly great fashion journalist!

It will hopefully also inspire me to become more active with my writing, trying to work on a focus, work my way out of my head and towards creating something more meaningful than for my own pure indulgence. It wouldn’t be as DT however – it will be as me – Kim.

Baby steps…