About:

This is going to take some time I think. What can I possibly write about myself that will fit on one page….

I could offer facts. Facts are cold and unfeeling and allows for the laziness of generalising..

Or I could merely say that this is for my own self indulgence and is a much desired creative outlet .

But this was the start:

I once read that when two people are in a room, there are actually six people present. The person you think you are, the person who you think the other is and the people who you actually are.

Who am I? Well I am a woman, still pretty much young at heart. I am rebellious by nature, headfast and stubborn. I have my virtues and I have my vices. I seldom do anything in moderation and do not enjoy being sensitive or feeling vulnerable. I fear losing myself to others expectations and I fear a moderate life. I know I drive some people crazy, I can definitely be a handful and sometimes the words just spill out without thinking about consequences.

I came to Cape Town for a man who promised me a fairytale, but it wasn’t meant to be. The fairytale was also woven from the hopes and dreams of my loved ones and I had believed that finally I had achieved something acceptable and desirable by all standards. The fairytale never materialized, but slowly I am exhaling with relief. I am not ready to be a wife or a Mother. I have not yet seen enough or experienced enough to start settling.  I want to improve, to grow and learn and shake bad habits. I was never good at conforming to the norm; it never quite sat comfortably on my skin.

I have no idea what to expect for the year ahead. I am sad to lose my best friend, my partner in crime and my confidante. But I know that he cannot be the constant in my life anymore. I cannot see myself through his eyes anymore and seek his approval. I need to find myself, care for myself and suck the marrow out of life! So far it’s strangely not as hard as I had imagined. I think being with him was the loneliest I have ever been. It can therefore only get better. I am also grateful to know what it means to really love someone. To feel that extreme pang of pain when you see hurt in their eyes, hurt that you caused, to experience the comfort of actually breaking down in their arms and allowing them to comfort you. I am grateful for the amazing times we had and I am proud of what he has achieved. He never spoke down to me or belittled me, he was very supportive and encouraging in helping me find myself and if he was capable of letting me into his heart, I think we could have achieved great things together. His fear of hurt paralyzed him into stony silence and a dismissive attitude, fueling my demons and making my blood boil. A vicious bloody circle which needed to end. Soon I will be saying goodbye, packing away my things and tearing apart the home I worked so hard to create for the two of us, finally after seven years of heartfelt belief that we would be together forever, we will say goodbye.