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Cape Town is a city on the coast of South Africa so called because the wearing of capes or
cloaks is compulsory within the city limits. It was founded by Batman on his way
to Melbourne from Holland in 1652.
Cape Town is also called “The Mother City”, believed to be due to the highly expressive
vocabulary of the local dialect (in which the words “your mother” feature regularly) and
the cheap and nasty (but potent) local wine. A different school of thought believes the
origin of the name lies in the fact that it takes 9 months to do anything in this sleepy
hollow. Cape Town is situated on a sandbar under Table Mountain (so called because unlike
most mountains, it is flat). Cape Town became famous for the first successful heart
transplant operation at its “Great Skewer” Hospital by Christian Barnyard.
Cape Town is neither as wealthy nor as large as Johannesburg, so the inhabitants
compensate with a superior attitude based on the claim that they were there first.
Which none of them personally were, unless they are over 300 years old.
It is socially unacceptable for a Capetonian to talk to people that they have not
previously talked to, which severely limits social interactions. If the opportunity should
somehow present itself, a traditional Cape Town greeting is “Jou ma se *%#@”, often
abbreviated to “Jou ma”, which means, roughly “Good day and good health to you and
your good mother, sir!”
Robin Island was named after Batman’s faithful sidekick. Later it was renamed
“Robbin’ Island” and used as a jail, like Alcatraz but with colder water around it and
more sharks in it.
In spite of the revolution in 1994 severe social inequality still persists. Efforts to
redress this historical imbalance are progressing well, particularly the “mugg’em”
Popular sports are pretentiousness, drunk-driving, pole-vaulting, homosexuality,
French dressing and Mexican standoffs. The summer sport of setting fire to the
mountainside is more popular with tourists than with locals, though all enjoy the
cheerful spectacle of the flames and smoke.
Since 2006, the town council of Cape Town has embraced an “Amishisation ” policy,
and has turned it’s back on the use of electricity, declaring it a decadent bourgeois
luxury. Electricity is slowly being phased out in a series of “power cuts”, and it is to be
replaced by the use of candles, paraffin lamps and fires for illumination and
sing-alongs for entertainment.
Cape Town is the first place to boast an Invisible Bridge. However, the bridge is
currently not in use as the city council refused to believe the claims of the construction
company when they informed the council that they had developed a new building
material which was stronger than steel but could not be seen by the human eye. The
city council is said to have likened the bridge fiasco to “The Emperor’s New Clothes”.
Roads Memorial celebrates the fact that Cape Town is where roads were invented. This
is delightfully done by means of a monument which includes important tools to roadmaking
such as lions, a man with a horse and some dude’s head.
Bergies are Cape Town’s world famous mountaineers who live on Table Mountain and
often come down into the city to welcome foreigners with the traditional Capetonian
greeting of “Jou maaaa se *%$@!”