The last two exams were awful! awful, awful, awful! Yesterday I just went blank. I hate it when they try and trick you using similar phrases with one tiny, grayish area of difference – I don’t understand the point – it is like HaHaHa we got you!! Well they are over and my newly discovered commitment to let the past stay in the damn past – prevents me from dwelling.
The dreaded past…
My man told me last night he cannot forget the past – he feels that an accumulation of all our arguments have left him bitter. I want to scream. I don’t want a man with issues of stagnating, emotional baggage. I had always believed that since he was so much older than me, he would have his shit sorted out – I thought finally a man with maturity calmness, someone to learn from, someone who will manage to control my sometimes uncontrollable passions and rage! I am a fiery person – I am a Scorpio!! How did this happen? Am I supposed to help him out of his emotional bitterness? Isn’t this something he needs to deal with? Or am I being selfish? I just find it all too petty, even kind of foolish. Let it go mister, let’s move forward, lets laugh and be happy! Best I not judge – but he is making me suffer – I am so intimate with this problem, I am so emotionally drained by the implications, that I cannot possibly have a rational understanding or a clear solution – I suppose right now I am just utterly baffled – and hurt and angry – he regards me with such contempt while trying to love me at the same time – who knew the troubled waters inside his heart! I just don’t know – I know that what he has said leaves us in no man’s land – there’s no where to go – nothing good can develop. I will just withdraw from him – he will pretend everything is normal and then after a while he too will stop talking – I will do a lot of crying, feeling rejected and hurt, maybe leave him some letters in an attempt to make him understand that I too have deep and intense feelings of frustration. Letters appealing to him to know me, to listen to me, to respect the women I have become. Eventually we will start talking again and for weeks no mention will be made of the current situation, life will be merry again, until the dreaded moment when I actually express the desire to feel loved, the desire for some semblance of a normal relationship!!!
There is just too much going on right now! With my exams, work, the possibility of applying for a new job, the shaky financial situation. Then trying to swallow down the craving to go shopping and blow thousands on boots, blazers, Clarins, a cashmere jersey and some of those socks with toes. The irresistible urge to spend this weekend at a Spa, dressed in a white fluffy robe having manicures and facials all day long and drinking myself onto another planet with the assistance of Champagne! To forget who I am! To hell with responsibilities to hell with everything –hell in a handbag!
Well at least I can love the weather today!Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I’ve heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.