Mental at Midnight

Today I was in hibernation. I slept the entire day. Waking up, only to have something to eat and the occasional cigarette. When I am stressed or depressed, my body just takes over and loudly expresses its demands, despite the inconvenience of having to halt everyday life. The problem is I am now sitting here in the heart of darkness and quiet in the winelands wide awake, alert and ready for action! To make matters worse, I wanted to catch up with some work, but my version of office isn’t compatible with the files I need to use! I have also realised with sinking dread that it is time to upgrade my laptop. As if I need that little additional financial burden to add to my already growing mountain. I am just not a very patient person. I demand immediate satisfaction. The pleasure seeking principle as Freud put it. I can’t bide my time and save money for the purchase, oh no, that would be way too practical!
I have been thinking about the ego a great deal lately. How the ego gets in the way most times. It totally affects our attitude towards people. What should be natural, easy and instinctual gets tailored, edited and adjusted by that horrible little voice in your head. That waste of energy we use in curtailing what we say, how we behave. We apply our intellect and creativity to protect the ego at all costs! Always aware about the possible hurt, rejection or humiliation we might face at the hands of another. I have seen how this has affected the man (I am still not ready to apply the ‘ex’ this might take some time) and my heart breaks for him, knowing all too well, the words inside his heart that he cannot let out. He is now sulking, I believe a stupid game of “Time to get my own back – cause this chic is leaving.” Fuck, I hate games. From an absolute angel tearing at my heart strings, to this devil – may – care attitude. It is for the best I think, it makes leaving that much easier. Dumb ass games!
I really need to get to sleep somehow…


6 thoughts on “Mental at Midnight

  1. Throw out opinions, prejudices, and theories until there is nothing left. Then throw out the nothing. (one of my favourite Zen sayings)

    Well who said anything about love
    No not love she said
    Dont you know that its different for girls

    (joe jackson – different for girls)

    I think you can only continue to make your adjustments and then let life come to you – and sleep lots every now and again.

  2. That is a great saying 302! One for the post it!
    I know, I need to allow him the space to handle things the way he needs to – very different for a girl!
    I slept and slept and slept. Today I feel wholly renewed!

  3. Human beings are weird beings – I saw a passage in a Murakami once that really said it best… can’t remember it verbatim, but it went something like us being imperfect lumps of flesh who try to find one another.

    It sounds weird, but I liked that… it’s like ships that pass in the night, we all have such a huge range of emotions and complexities, each dealing with things differently, makes you wonder how we ever find each other!

  4. Hehe, I’ll try and remember which book it was, and see if I can find that passage… he put it perfectly.

    P.S. Super amped for Detox Friday! 🙂

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