I wear a brave face.

There is probably something I need to acknowledge. I need to face the facts. I am in a bit of a mess. All over the place. I have this inexplicable reluctance to make plans, to create order, to sort out things stashed away in boxes. It isn’t procrastination, it is denial and it is rearing its ugly, unwanted head in my dreams. A couple of years ago, I suffered endless nights of lucid dreams. Horrible violent dreams which I couldn’t stop. I would go through a series of stages when I thought I was awake and the hell would continue. After much research,  I thought the remedy might be in attempting to control what happened in the dreams in a good way, to change the outcome,  but that only led to an even greater depth of indescribable fear. When I would finally wake up, my heart beat was deafening, the fear still very much present. The idea of going back to sleep unbearable. The lack of sleep eventually drove me to a psychologist, my lecturer at the time. It helped, but now they are back.

 “A lucid dream is a dream in which the person is aware that they are dreaming while the dream is in progress, also known as a conscious dream. When the dreamer is lucid, they can actively participate in and often manipulate the imaginary experiences in the dream environment. Lucid dreams can be extremely real and vivid depending on a person’s level of self-awareness during the lucid dream.

 There is a huge amount of research about how to attain lucid dreams – I know it is supposed to be something special, almost a gift – I don’t know why, for me it just goes to a dark place, the realisation that I can do what I like, is simply petrifying.

  I think I am still unaccustomed to the lights, the sounds and noises of my new home and this too is partly to blame for these feelings of alienation and uncertainty.  I think my mind is trying to deal with all my shit on my behalf, at night in my sleep,  because I have simply refused to acknowledge that my life needs a serious look.  I am the sole provider of my own sanity, I need to take this self of mine and be responsible. I also really need a good night’s sleep!

He sent me an sms last night that drove daggers through my heart. Just three words and parenthesis. It spoke volumes about what it means to lose something you never fully appreciated until it is gone. I can’t help him with that. For now it is only me and the mental fragility I need to address.

 So bring on a week of quiet reflection, some harsh reality checking. Unpacking the all the boxes in my head and in my home!

I do fly - but then I crash
I do fly - but then I crash

9 thoughts on “I wear a brave face.

  1. You have made some enormous changes in your life, and in fact, for a good few years there have been huge changes – you moved cities for this man, and you had to deal first with being so badly let down, and then making the decision to move on.

    Moving is one of the worst things to go through, but ending a long-term relationship – even on your terms – is also extremely life-altering. You are in your ‘post divorce’ break-away stage so to speak… so there are a lot of uncertainties and a lot of stresses that go with that.

    I think you should aim to spend at least 2 or 3 evenings at home, play some good, quiet music, and tackle one box at a time. Take time to go through things, and work on creating a safe, secure ‘nest’ that is a NEW place for the NEW you.

    The city is a huge change from where you were, and it will take a while to get used to things. But each week you’ll start to feel more at home, and eventually things will settle.

  2. Thank you for your lovely words Rox! I definitely need to instill some peace and serenity into my home. A couple of quiet nights with some books and music are in order!

  3. I came across this quote, years ago, while reading the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. I have kept it ever since and at one stage printed it onto bookmarks to give to my clients. With such simplicity, it says so much:

    Autobiography in Five Chapters
    1) I walk down the street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
    I fall in.
    I am lost…I am hopeless.
    It isn’t my fault.
    It takes forever to find a way out.

    2) I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I pretend i don’t see it.
    I fall in again.
    I can’t beleive i’m in the same place.
    But it isn’t my fault.
    I still take a long time to get out.

    3) I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I see it is there.
    I still fall in…it’s a habit.
    My eyes are open
    I know where i am
    It is my fault.
    I get out immediately.

    4)I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
    I walk around it.

    5) I walk down another street.

  4. Hectic. Intense. I do not dream at all. I thought it was sad, but now I am thinking itt is a blessing!

    Although I heard somewhere people who do not dream are suppressing issues too, so maybe it is not so good.

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