There is probably something I need to acknowledge. I need to face the facts. I am in a bit of a mess. All over the place. I have this inexplicable reluctance to make plans, to create order, to sort out things stashed away in boxes. It isn’t procrastination, it is denial and it is rearing its ugly, unwanted head in my dreams. A couple of years ago, I suffered endless nights of lucid dreams. Horrible violent dreams which I couldn’t stop. I would go through a series of stages when I thought I was awake and the hell would continue. After much research, I thought the remedy might be in attempting to control what happened in the dreams in a good way, to change the outcome, but that only led to an even greater depth of indescribable fear. When I would finally wake up, my heart beat was deafening, the fear still very much present. The idea of going back to sleep unbearable. The lack of sleep eventually drove me to a psychologist, my lecturer at the time. It helped, but now they are back.
“A lucid dream is a dream in which the person is aware that they are dreaming while the dream is in progress, also known as a conscious dream. When the dreamer is lucid, they can actively participate in and often manipulate the imaginary experiences in the dream environment. Lucid dreams can be extremely real and vivid depending on a person’s level of self-awareness during the lucid dream.“
There is a huge amount of research about how to attain lucid dreams – I know it is supposed to be something special, almost a gift – I don’t know why, for me it just goes to a dark place, the realisation that I can do what I like, is simply petrifying.
I think I am still unaccustomed to the lights, the sounds and noises of my new home and this too is partly to blame for these feelings of alienation and uncertainty. I think my mind is trying to deal with all my shit on my behalf, at night in my sleep, because I have simply refused to acknowledge that my life needs a serious look. I am the sole provider of my own sanity, I need to take this self of mine and be responsible. I also really need a good night’s sleep!
He sent me an sms last night that drove daggers through my heart. Just three words and parenthesis. It spoke volumes about what it means to lose something you never fully appreciated until it is gone. I can’t help him with that. For now it is only me and the mental fragility I need to address.
So bring on a week of quiet reflection, some harsh reality checking. Unpacking the all the boxes in my head and in my home!