Unexpected April ’09

I have been really busy over the last couple of weeks. Surprisingly it has been good. Somehow I rediscovered a dormant part of my nature. The ambitious part. The strange and quite unexpected need for a bit of pressure, late nights, aching eyes, that thrill when you successfully implement something.  I haven’t been interested at all in my career over the last two years. This was mainly because my head was all consumed with emotional bullshit. I am a very different person at work and had believed that work was work and you kept your personal stuff at home. Bullshit. A bad, distracted headspace takes away drive, energy – innovation, ambition and tolerance. Instead of being inspired and challenged, your legs feel heavy; meetings are slow and painful, feet constantly tapping to avoid your eyes dropping. A rather sad state of affairs. Not the best way to spend the majority of your day.

Last night I unpacked my last box. I think I had avoided doing this because I wanted to remind myself of this great leap of faith I have made, an attempt to keep the newness of my situation. It was strange finding bits of paper with his writing on them and substantially heartbreaking finding all my farewell cards from friends and family, wishing me the best, looking forward to my wedding! We were going to be married this month. The recent beautiful weather was a sad reminder why we chose April. It was going to be on this wine farm. 280220070241

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I was going to have pictures taken being surrounded by ducks and geese and sixty plus, year old cabernet and merlot vines.  There were even black swans on the estate, which was another exciting prospect for wedding pictures. I wanted us to then have pictures taken on the beach, probably Gordon’s bay. My Dad and brother were going to wear their kilts and I wanted Roses. Yes. Just red roses. I had no idea what dress I was going to wear, all I knew was that I had to somehow incorporate black somewhere. I have countless bits of paper listing the songs I wanted to hear. We had casually agreed on INXS:  ‘We will never be apart’ as the first song. Well he was casual I was bubbling like a volcano on the inside.  Obviously I cannot hear that song again. I was nervous about the dance. I knew he wouldn’t think it was important enough to go for lessons. No venue fees, very low food and wine costs for exceptional food and first class wine – would have meant a magical honeymoon. Or did it?

 He never did entirely let me get my way, albeit my way is of extraordinary extravagances – but still on my wedding day, would he have tried to greyscale me even then?

I was really looking forward to making a speech – it was going to be like; “Look everyone, I may have been an awful, rebellious teenager full of piercings and torn stockings – but look at me now!”  In my virginal white, marrying a successful man without a Mohawk!! Ha. Everyone would laugh at my past silliness and then eyes would be wet – as they looked at the beautiful angel I had become! I was going to thank my parents for loving me even when I was a demon and then thank them for being a wonderful example of what it means to be married – the ultimate partnership in life. Even then I think I knew our marriage wouldn’t come close…that would have been a very sad reflection in the years to come.

Ha! Something tells me that when it is my time to wed and should I ever be ready for it, it will be a different kind of affair all together!

Don’t ask me

What you know is true

Don’t have to tell you

I love your precious heart I

I was standing

You were there

Two worlds collided

And they could never tear us apart

 We could live

For a thousand years

But if I hurt you

I’d make wine from your tears

 I told you

That we could fly

‘Cause we all have wings

But some of us don’t know why

 I was standing

You were there

Two worlds collided

And they could never ever tear us apart

 Oh well c’est la vie

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6 thoughts on “Unexpected April ’09

  1. Unpacking that box was an important step in the final transformation of DT – and letting go of those sad memories and thoughts will be the final step that will enable you to blossom into the awesome person you are.

    And one day in the not too distant future, you’ll be making NEW dreams – mohawked groom or not – all that matters is that he is worthy of such a great chick! 🙂

  2. You’ll have your day 🙂

    My brother’s wedding was at this very location little more than a month ago. Everything about the farm (bar the unasuming gate) is magical, and Michael’s in my opinion the best host ever!

  3. It is magical Martin,the winelands best kept secret! Hopefully they will eventually get the entrance sorted! Yup Michael is really brilliant, there are very few restaurant owners with as much passion, experience and knowledge!

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