many a moment of wistfulness

There is something about May. I seem to fall into the nostalgic trap that grey days seem to promote or advocate. Finding myself wanting more. Needing more substance, more honesty and questioning some harsh realities. Deep and heavy and along with it, my old partner in futile and energy sapping introspective mode – guilt! I almost always feel guilty for something. Maybe it is the catholic guilt that is instilled into us at a young age. Subtle waves of brainwashing behind the innocent white dress of your first holy communion. Little angels being blessed by the priest, swallowing your first piece of bread, body of Christ. Perhaps the guilt is the added ingredient that sticks to your being. Perhaps guilt makes the round circular piece so dry and sticky, if you don’t swallow it quick enough you have to resort to peeling it off the top of your pallet with fingers. And remember to say your prayers from the moment the priest hands you the precious disk. Stay in the moment and stay appreciative, holy and in awe. The pressure is always quite intense – because it is an old adage that the minute you are banned from having bad thoughts, the plethora of pornographic and insanely wicked thoughts begin their drunken dance in your mind!

Guilt. Have I being a good friend, a worthy daughter, a supportive sister? Am I working hard enough? Am I letting people down, those people who believe in me? Should I have done more to make someone smile? Do I expect too much from people? Do I really have a right to be annoyed when I feel someone is treating me badly. How has my pride coloured the situation. Amongst the shades of grey, I really need to find some light.

Nostalgia – longing for home and to once again be a part of something good and real. Old friends, family , familiar streets.

I think it has been a result of suddenly questioning many aspects of my identity. Discovering that much of who I am has been a result of the influences around me. The ex, friends, cultural or sub cultural contexts. What is it I really like? I think I need to understand the root of this guilt is maybe not so much about my failings but more about my expectations on trying to be someone that may not be the quintessential me.

The mysteries of May are not a new thing for me. Reading through my old May posts serve as that reminder. I will just let the nostalgia wash over me as the days of May trickle to a close. Do the best I can and look forward to my trip home in June!


7 thoughts on “many a moment of wistfulness

  1. You need to take some time out and breath chick – sometimes we lose sight of things, and May is a kak month as winter approaches and the last of summer days start to fade away, which makes it doubly important to find your center again.

    This detox has really been a godsend for me, it helped me reconnect with myself again, and it gave me some space to find that inner balance.

    Sure there have been a few bad days this month, but overall I’m feeling better than I have in a long time.

    So take a day or so off over the weekend, and either close the curtains and stay home, or go for a long drive somewhere. But you won’t get your calm back if you don’t give yourself the time and space to find it.

  2. Wow! you feel far more guilt than me, but I m not Catholic. I reckon you gotta give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

    I know the feeling of trying to fill the expectations that we think people have of us, but probably it is just us manifesting some weird projection or something or other. I guess we should ignore what we think those expectations are?

  3. Hey, a friend left this on FB the other day. I found it very true, and was reminded of it by your post ”
    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”

  4. I loved reading this… it’s so beautifully introspective and revealing. I like to think of self-awareness as a sign of progress. Being oblivious to how you’re feeling (or how you’re making other people feel) is a clue that you’re not growing. So here’s to the internal cleansing (yucky though it may seem sometimes) and revelling in the introspective grey splendour of the month of May… and to lighter, happier days to come in June…

  5. Rox – Time has become rather precious and rare for me at the moment! Like they say – no rest for the wicked and all that jazz – but I will hopefully get a good break going back home!

    Very true Po – I think the less we focus on expectations the better! It is probably our own blown up and twisted version of reality anyway!

    Thank you sweet Tay!:-)

    It is strange isn’t it Brazen – maybe it has to do with the undeniable arrival of winter and knowing we are at the starting line of many cold and dark days to come. Summer for playtime and winter for contemplation.

    Aw Champers I love that!! Who are we not too be brilliant indeed!

    Thank you Candy! ‘Introspective grey splendour of the month of May’ – Beautifully put!
    I do cherish the idea of growing and changing. As long as that part of me remains fluid and mindful, I think I can get through all the grey days to come!

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