There is something about May. I seem to fall into the nostalgic trap that grey days seem to promote or advocate. Finding myself wanting more. Needing more substance, more honesty and questioning some harsh realities. Deep and heavy and along with it, my old partner in futile and energy sapping introspective mode – guilt! I almost always feel guilty for something. Maybe it is the catholic guilt that is instilled into us at a young age. Subtle waves of brainwashing behind the innocent white dress of your first holy communion. Little angels being blessed by the priest, swallowing your first piece of bread, body of Christ. Perhaps the guilt is the added ingredient that sticks to your being. Perhaps guilt makes the round circular piece so dry and sticky, if you don’t swallow it quick enough you have to resort to peeling it off the top of your pallet with fingers. And remember to say your prayers from the moment the priest hands you the precious disk. Stay in the moment and stay appreciative, holy and in awe. The pressure is always quite intense – because it is an old adage that the minute you are banned from having bad thoughts, the plethora of pornographic and insanely wicked thoughts begin their drunken dance in your mind!
Guilt. Have I being a good friend, a worthy daughter, a supportive sister? Am I working hard enough? Am I letting people down, those people who believe in me? Should I have done more to make someone smile? Do I expect too much from people? Do I really have a right to be annoyed when I feel someone is treating me badly. How has my pride coloured the situation. Amongst the shades of grey, I really need to find some light.
Nostalgia – longing for home and to once again be a part of something good and real. Old friends, family , familiar streets.
I think it has been a result of suddenly questioning many aspects of my identity. Discovering that much of who I am has been a result of the influences around me. The ex, friends, cultural or sub cultural contexts. What is it I really like? I think I need to understand the root of this guilt is maybe not so much about my failings but more about my expectations on trying to be someone that may not be the quintessential me.
The mysteries of May are not a new thing for me. Reading through my old May posts serve as that reminder. I will just let the nostalgia wash over me as the days of May trickle to a close. Do the best I can and look forward to my trip home in June!