Writers block doesn’t really begin to explain it. Events over the last couple of months have had an effect on me and on my family as a whole. Last night I had my first taste of normalcy. A really warm welcome back to the salsa class. I was missed. Little old me – I was bowled over. Smiles and laughter, the uncomplicated enjoyment of dancing; I am back!
I almost feel anxious to put into words what was, what has pastand the experience of grief, anger, actually utter disbelief at the thought that my youngest Uncle passed away suddenly, unexpectedly far from any possible sense, no rhyme nor reason. The unthinkable, the inexplicable. It is a time when you do start trying to understand the unknown, question the spiritual. It is written. Everyone has their time. Really? We scramble so much to find logic. For my family; healing the wounds involve food. Great amounts of food and booze. There is constant anxiety about the food and drink running out. Heaven forbid. Much drama and controversy was created by an Aunt unplugging the fridge to plug in the hot dish, then an absolute anathema to the family when the hummus was made by a distant relative and no lemon was used. There were whispers and sideways glances. There was skinner, politics but then among the madness a sudden sadness would sink in because someone was missing. The man with the warmest handshake, the loudest shirt. The man who kept his daughters under his loving watch and always had his beautiful wife close at hand. Pouring her a drink, lighting her smoke. A hole too big to fill, irrespective of the amount of food and drink and distractions you throw in its direction. I wanted to squeeze the grief out of my cousins. Cousins that have been like sisters to me. I wanted to take it away. No rhyme nor reason.
The timing was also rather surreal as I had just spent the last couple of days with a wonderful boy from my past. There was a lovely man who promptly swept me off my feet and reminded me how much fun you can have with someone when there is trust and a shared love for all things somewhat dark and eccentric. A gothic fairytale – I am still that romantic, deeply intense girl. There were many walks in the rain, arm in arm, much laughter and many memories resurfaced of days gone by – the wicked little thing I was then and still am! He also brought music with him and since then I haven’t been able to stop listening.
A couple of my absolute favourites:
So Alive: Love and Rockets – Strange yet sexy love song , complete with gospel singers – kind of reminiscent of Spirit in the sky
Ministry: Jesus Built My Hotrod – A headbangers dream and nightmare – as hard as hell
B52’s: Dance This Mess around –Just bloody brilliant
White Zombie: Devil Man – Awesome rocking track. One of a kind.
Dead Can Dance. My love affair with this band has been absolutely reignited. They are unbelievably original and beautiful.
Front 242: Tragedy (For you) Industrial Dance track with goth like romantic lyrics, must be played really loud
Alien Sex Fiend: I walk the line. Goth club classic. No need to say more. This song is like an anthem.
Bauhaus: Stigmata Mattyr and Bella Lugosi’s Dead. The giants of 80’s goth.
So happy to have these on my pink iPod!
It has been a strange ride. From the ethereal dreaminess of days off in the city, to hitting the ground hard by life’s unfair tragedy’s and then finding a peace and centre after spending so much time with my family in my hometown.
I also got to meet the lovely Louisa: I had no idea she was such a strong, dynamic woman with some amazing stories to tell. I did feel somewhat sheepish drinking some exotic cocktail at Cool running’s and then puffing away to my heart’s content while she had to behave! She took me to a beautiful place where they served warm chilli chocolate in tiny little cups. A delight on a odd rainy winters day in Josi!
Okay so I have been lifted up, crashed down, grounded and now the only way left is forward.