Tears of such great anguish were about to burst out of my eyes – the heat of pent up frustration, nervousness, standing lost in the middle of nowhere – well that is kinda what Claremont is like to me – suburbia almost scares the hell out of me, it is like Joburg only there’s a mountain and a railway line, that inhabitants tend to use as a reference guide. I can only imagine the devastating look on my face as I looked up to the sky and prayed that today would be the day I understood the Cape Tonion’s sense of direction. I finally calmed down to punch the address into my gps and finally the way was magically revealed. Bless technology. Hair standing on end, boxes of cigarettes jammed into my fists and my Blackberry cover between my teeth, I finally I burst into an intimate room of about 14 strangers. I had honestly expected some sort of weighting room, a place where I could calm my hair and find some grace but this was not to be. Naturally my face assumed its crimson hue, in light of such attention, which in turn induced much laughter, into what I assumed was beforehand a very tense atmosphere. We were all there, saying goodbye to our best friends. We all had fear, anxiety, where somewhat cynical yet desperately hopeful. I think I broke all imaginable ice, I should have received a hug…from someone, although that might have very possibly persuaded the tears to break free from the constrictiveness of my throat!
So that’s how I began my Easy way to stop smoking clinic – thankfully it was all uphill from that point. Not to forget it also ended with me being centre of all laughter when I not only threw out one box of cigarettes but two, followed by three lighters – then the light- hearted suggestion that my huge handbag be searched for more of my stash! This time I was only too happy to hear laughter around me and because of me – that’s what the end of the clinic felt like – A rather large relief – Like a huge cloud disappeared from above my head and finally I could walk with my head held high.
It is time to stop making myself get sick and time to get well and normal. I really hope my group succeeds in every way. We are all so used to the lectures, being frowned upon, feeling such anxiety on a daily basis when we are told we can’t smoke. It is a pretty crap lot to suffer for so many years of one’s life. Just normal people, stuck in a trap, addicted to a common drug from billion dollar industries – drug dealers of the worst kinds. It is pretty awful – there are some hectic stories on the subject.
It hasn’t been easy – I am incredibly short tempered – I am not taking kindly to advice or opinions – and smoking is on my mind all the time. The worst has been the physical withdrawal symptoms – being unable to sleep right through the night, having terrible headaches and then there is this sudden move to get up walk away from my desk….and then what? What the hell do non-smokers do?? Yesterday I realised that since I started smoking at the age of 15 – I have never had a day at the workplace when I didn’t smoke – It is almost unreal – and kinda sad. But I will never smoke again and taking control of my life is a wonderfully liberating feeling! I can only hope I can repair the damage.
For now – Bring on the Champers – day five is coming to an end!