No half measures here

Throughout the day, my mind kept slipping. In a direction I wish it hadn’t. I struggle enough with Sundays – this train of thought would never end at a joyful destination. Eight years, eight years…surely he remembers. It was this time last year that the unthinkable starting to form shape in my mind. In beginning, it was a bit of a fantasy – leaving him and I won’t lie, up to the very day I left, there was something in me that believed he would stop me – despite this kind of confrontation being so outside his character – it would be laughable. Still I believed…like I still do…in this allusive love thing – love like Fanta – As Po put it –in her quirky synopsis of unrequited love.

Sometimes I worry I will be hit with a sudden realisation that I have made a terrible mistake – that the world is cruel and hateful and mean – and when one finds a companion strong enough to deal with you,  you should really just hold on with your life. Luckily I have met enough people to show me otherwise. I have met the most interesting men – my God from all walks of life – I had no idea men could be so different, with such an array of quirks and attributes. The two most dominant males in my life are of course my Dad and my Brother. These are strong, intelligent men – men who are simply men – my ex was very similar – in behaviour but perhaps not with the same generosity and family minded sincerity – he was more of a lone thinker, a non conformer who worked on his own – for himself. Him and him alone. (Hindsight, like a broken light bulb).

It’s been seven months now – gave up my home, gave up my man, and gave up smoking. There is a price I pay for having courage of my convictions. The nights when I am alone with my thoughts, the space in my mind where there are no half measures. No one around to give me that look – that says – get serious asshole! It’s quite a perk having a boyfriend that kind of has to pretend to listen to you moan about stuff – even a deaf ear has to be better than talking to yourself – or having those thoughts dance in your head, thoughts colliding with ideas, ideas spinning around self doubt, uncertainty bashing into corrective platitudes – all resulting in quite an exhausting symphony of chaos…

Then I miss the friends I don’t make by not smoking, the flirting, and the gossiping that can only happen around an ashtray standing in the sun – as gorgeous as that sounds!

halloween_twilight_gothic_fairy_photo_sculpture_photosculpture-p153903959576464822yzzz_400Halloween – pumpkin time.  This also means my birthday is round the corner.  My favourite month is about to begin. The month of the Scorpio – the sexiest star sign! (I am happy to report that Google has also confirmed what I have known all along!)

No bias there.

Someone at work just gave me the sweetest compliment – I was caught so unaware I am currently three shades of pink…


6 thoughts on “No half measures here

  1. That’s a lot to give up in one year. Not anyone would be able to do it…*sigh* just reading this made me remember how much I miss smoking.

  2. Oh no Louisa – dont miss it – there are many great things I have discovered since I have stopped! You had to stop drinking and smoking – Now that would killl me! I have only just substituted smoking with drinking more! Lol!

  3. of course i wouldn’t see it that way but making a simply investment in you allows for perks in perpetuity more than you realise but your inertia will shift and then the silence will bring a clarity not a frustration – i reckon you’ll one day say, ‘i can do silence, i can do solitude, i enjoy my own company’ and the rest it comes in itz own sweet time.

    as the song goes: it may not come when you want it but it’ll always be on time.

    and there is always martini!

  4. Ah 302: Martini – the answer to all things loud and frustrating! As long as there are olives…
    I will remain hopeful that the silence will come, for now the silence after a yoga class will have to suffice!

  5. From what I read in your blog previously you made the right and bravest choice! All those fanta bubbles should go to someone who streams them right back.

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