It’s been a really strange month. Filled with some delightful distractions but also some shitty truths banging away in my head. I knew what I needed to do last year, I needed to save my life. Danger lies in those emotions we direct towards ourselves. The dangerous viewpoint of failure, not being good enough, undeserving. The devil laughing his ass off as you sink deeper and deeper into an unrelenting pit of self pity. Why me? I would fear those emotions, so I kept busy and the world, this city, people captured my heart and delighted me.
It was all I needed, now I feel this burning in the pit of my stomach. The desire for more. I try to shake dreams away. I may even fear goals and dreams. The failure of attainment has obviously damaged me in that way. My whole life I wrestled with the question of which is the lesser evil: Is it better to have hope, to dream, to visualise what you want in life? Ask the universe and you will receive? Or is more prudent to not have expectations? To allow the world and her mysterious ways to surprise and delight? Unveiling the life you were meant to live, unbeknown to you until that moment you think: “This is a good life. I am happy. ”
And love? Where does that come in? How much of love is a choice, a decision? Or is love this all consuming emotion, uncontrollable, passionate and overwhelming desire. Falling off a cliff and landing on a cloud. The love I had, started like falling off a cliff, then became a decision. I think that was a mistake.
There was a lady on radio, she said be happy with the life you have rather than the life you thought you would have. Is this not complacency?.
Gym is proving to be more enjoyable than I had imagined. Again, like yoga, I love the release, the effect on my mind. I love knowing I am getting healthier and stronger each passing day, it’s a luxury I have never afforded myself in my adult life.
The downside is that work has turned into a bit of a nightmare that I can’t seem to pull myself out of. To be honest – I tend to have this yearly cycle with work – boredom and frustration after one year. But I am fighting against that as a solution, because well, last year I really didn’t focus much on work at all – it was merely a means to an end. Everything I did was a means to an end. The end being: I am single, have had all my hopes and dreams crushed – but I am happier now that have ever been. End – accomplished!
So I don’t want to have to go the route of finding another job, that will possibly satisfy me and keep me from being bored for another year. What I need to do is write more. Travel more. Learn how to improve my writing. I have known this for some time. Change, I want more change.
I couldn’t blog for a long time – I lost my way – but my way really is just this, writing it as I think it.
I am going to be signing a another years lease this week. It is amazing thinking back on who I was the first time. So excited! It makes me smile.