Thinking about thinking

It’s been a really strange month. Filled with some delightful distractions but also some shitty truths banging away in my head. I knew what I needed to do last year, I needed to save my life. Danger lies in those emotions we direct towards ourselves. The dangerous viewpoint of failure, not being good enough, undeserving. The devil laughing his ass off as you sink deeper and deeper into an unrelenting pit of self pity. Why me? I would fear those emotions, so I kept busy and the world, this city, people captured my heart and delighted me.

It was all I needed, now I feel this burning in the pit of my stomach. The desire for more. I try to shake dreams away. I may  even fear goals and dreams. The failure of attainment has obviously damaged me in that way. My whole life I wrestled with the question of which is the lesser evil: Is it better to have hope, to dream, to visualise what you want in life?  Ask the universe and you will receive? Or is more prudent to not have expectations? To allow the world and her mysterious ways to surprise and  delight? Unveiling the life you were meant to live, unbeknown to you until that moment you think:  “This is a good life. I am happy. ”

And love? Where does that come in? How much of love is a choice, a decision? Or is love this all consuming emotion, uncontrollable, passionate and  overwhelming desire. Falling off a cliff and landing on a cloud. The love I had,  started like falling off a cliff, then became a decision. I think that was a mistake.

There was a lady on radio, she said be happy with the life you have rather than the life you thought you would have. Is this not complacency?.

Gym is proving to be more enjoyable than I had imagined. Again, like yoga,  I love the release, the effect on my mind. I love knowing I am getting healthier and stronger each passing day, it’s a luxury I have never afforded myself in my adult life.

The downside is that work has turned into a bit of a nightmare that I can’t seem to pull myself out of. To be honest – I tend to have this yearly cycle with work – boredom and frustration after one year. But I am fighting against that as a solution, because well, last year I really didn’t focus much on work at all – it was merely a means to an end. Everything I did was a means to an end. The end being: I am single, have had all my hopes and dreams crushed – but I am happier now that have ever been. End – accomplished!

So I don’t want to have to go the route of finding another job, that will possibly satisfy me and keep me from being bored for another year. What I need to do is write more. Travel more. Learn how to improve my writing. I have known this for some time. Change, I want more change.

I couldn’t blog for a long time – I lost my way – but my way really is just this, writing it as I think it.

I am going to be signing a another years lease this week. It is amazing thinking back on who I was the first time. So excited! It makes me smile.

Jan 2009

3 thoughts on “Thinking about thinking

  1. Ah man, a year already – how we have grown since then hey!

    You have really come such a long way since the crazy chick I met back then, with one foot in one world and another in the new one. You’ve INTEGRATED, far more than I have ever managed to do, and you have embraced things wholeheartedly. Bugger the end result, it’s about the journey and the Kelp, and you have managed to get through all the tough times and come out all the better for it.

    And for work, you’ve grown there too – you have survived the chewer and been given more responsibility… annoying as it is, you are still in your prime and you can do whatever you set your mind too!

    That lady on the radio is right, focus on what you have but also how far you have come in this cycle. This is still just the beginning, there is so much ahead and while I don’t know if it will all be good, or what challenges lie ahead, I think you should continue on in the way you have always done: full steam ahead, with claps, giggles and a ‘fly by the seat of your pants’ attitude.

    That is the DT we have all come to know and love, and that is the DT who is starting this next phase of the journey.

    I think that cocktails on Friday are now imperative to celebrate the start of a new era!!

  2. Wow DT, deep post and deep thoughts! I too tend to run from achievement, I fear the trying and failing miserably thing. But when I try to be happy with the life I have now, I also wonder, could there be so much more? Argh there are no answers.

  3. once you have glimpsed the tail of the bull, finding the head is no great task.

    the city of happiness is in the state of the mind.

    three things are essential: great doubt; great faith and great perseverance.

    nirvana is a gloomy monday in january when the car’s broken down and the bus is late.

    flowers flourish without understanding horticulture, the same for you i’m sure.

    try not to shake the world rather shake yourself.

    once you have glimpsed the tail of the bull, finding the head is no great task

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