It has pretty much been like drawing blood from stone. I just haven’t been able to write. I think I have lost parts of myself, it’s in a song: It’s all false love and affection.
I have no idea where this sensitivity comes from – Did my toughness extinguish with my last cigarette? Ah who knows?
I have a couple of meaningless posts in my drafts folder – easy to write easy to read, but the voice in my head threatens contention should I give into words that simply promise ease. Oh no – all worthwhile things in this life come from place of hardship – surely this – if nothing else at all, I have learnt. Thereby solidifying my nature and my future in some sort of troublesome, complicated battle at any one given moment…surely that can’t be right?
I keep doing this lately: Going back and forth, back and forth – a thousand thoughts navigating their way through my cobweb wrapped mind. I struggle to find a solid standpoint. A springboard in which to dive into a place of certainty. The year of distraction is now a pleasant hazy memory, much like the memories I have of my early teens. Haze, intoxication, music, friends, ESCApe!
It’s still there, just on my door step. The city: ready to delight, arms wide open, ever welcoming to those who would like to indulge, maybe escape, or even just to fight the loneliness.
So what does one do when the chase stops? When the distractions are a backdrop and suddenly certain truths emerge. Like the truth that some advice is patronising. That evenings with the most built up anticipation are usually a disappointment. That a man who once made you smile and feel light, becomes a stranger and retracts his affections as quick as he offered them.
How does one make themselves tougher, more prepared to deal with life’s knocks?
I am going to start by making a couple of lists, by being careful of the people I chose to spend my time with and then it is also time to pick up my much neglected yoga mat! I also intend to write more, because whatever is going on in my life, this page of my own creation offers me great peace.