I cannot adequately express how difficult it has been for me to find my feet again after spending a mere week at home. Something about having my parents around, spending time with my brother and family. There are no pressures or demands on my time. Normally just before I head back home, I start to look forward to seeing the Mother City again – my friends, my balcony the beaches, the mountain. I am so very proud of the life I have built for myself here in this crazy town. This time, it was different, I was looking forward to hiding away for a while, to being with a man who would distract me until I regained my composure –ooooh bad decision. My first relationship with a man since my ex and never was I less prepared for the kind of manipulations, tradeoffs, second guessing, disappointment and anger that come with an unofficial – on his terms – fair-weather relationship.
I think one of the worst lasting symptoms of a bad breakup – is that it takes us – the intelligent and intuitive female creatures that we are – a good while before we stop seeing ourselves from their perspective. We have been personal with them, allowed them into our worlds, forgotten ourselves in their charm – then all of a sudden, they know us best! What these men see is the best version of our ourselves in the beginning and then possibly the worst at the end and in a very small space of time. Yet somehow we start to see what they see in the mirror. Self doubt – a large all consuming and exhausting beast.
Now it’s to come to terms with the fact that people come in to your life for various reasons. There was so much that delighted me about having someone around. Simply put – being in a romantic relationship with someone, sharing your worlds, having that other perspective and mutual affection for each other is a wonderful thing. There can be no denying it. As much as I love being single and free and wild, I forgot the simple pleasures of having this one person available to you, making you feel special and for the briefest of moments you get carried away…
We demand more from them than that of our friends and expect them to want to do everything we want. It effects so many things in our world. The songs you hear, stored up snippets of information you want to share. It quickly falls into a pattern – unless there is a possibility of a future – then I believe that’s when friendship and communication begin the process of weaving you together in healthy, lasting dynamic. But if not: then it’s time to let the changing winds of time pass you by, shrug off the past and move bravely forward – find those feet you lost somewhere. (In my case I happened to find them and loose them again on a sticky dance floor at the Dubliner – but that is another story entirely…)
I have been talking to basically anyone who will listen – because I am not ashamed, I am quite sad at the number of woman who seem to fall for the same things again and again. Our sentimentality, our sometimes ridiculous belief in a man’s better nature – our weakness for the romantic happy ending that resides in a deep part of every one of us. The part that really doesn’t want to have to play the game…
Well I am not concerned by games, I have played a couple to test the theory and it works every time – but it is draining. If a game is needed to provoke an effect – then I am guessing there isn’t much heartfelt feelings to begin with.
There is this grim little place that exists now, in really quiet moments, memories filling the silence with their unwelcome wistfulness. Never before have I truly understood that silly little platitude about how you can forget many things about people but you never forget how they made you feel.