There are many things I question on a daily basis – most importantly; understanding what fulfils me as a person, what brings me joy and where can I contribute. I am in a very specialised position – in a role which touches many fields – but doesn’t quite master any particular one. This has made my profession somewhat niche – locking me into a narrow future. I want to break out from that, but all the same I appreciate enjoying a good salary and living a comfortable life – one that I may not be prepared to jeopardise by chasing some flight of fancy. Very practical words from a highly impractical woman – I have my lucid moments. There are many irrefutable characteristics of my professional personality which I need to consider. Like the fact that I cannot be a team player when I perceive my colleagues to be of a simple intellect. That I cannot respect authority which fails to inspire and motivate me. That I am hellishly stubborn when it comes to something I believe in, confident in its outcome. I value my own personal space and privacy at the workplace. No, I do not want to be your FB friend and I do not want to socialise with you outside of the workplace. Not unless you are spectacular and honest and interesting and creative – in my industry traits as rare as a love of peas. Most importantly; that I thrive on learning, developing new skills, being challenged that my strengths are noticed, valued and used efficiently.
So I am pretty much in a tricky situation. I have a second degree which I need to complete, I have some scarifies I need to make. This may relate to where I live, how I spend my time. Too often I just push these thoughts back down into the dark recesses of my mind. I settle for the status quo, somewhat subdued and resigned in that honest hard work will should reap its own rewards?! I am so blessed in all other aspects of my life, that to settle for something mundane in regards to my livelihood isn’t anything to be scoffed at. There are positives in that I don’t take what I do to heart, my work remains in this ugly building of grey, it remains in the hours of 9 to 5 and is forgotten over the weekends. It definitely doesn’t define me – in fact I cringe when people ask me what I do – because it is so contrary to the person I am. In all these years I have never been able to assimilate my personal identity with my professional title.
But there’s always that question that bothers me – how am I contributing? Are the things I am good at – however humble they may be , a contributing factor towards my happiness and satisfaction. Will I have regrets?
In many ways I find relief in this train of thought – I am glad the mundane hasn’t suffocated my hope or ambitions. That I am still an individual in this place of rotten conformity.