Gratitude

Courage.  The type you need to take a risk, but then having the courage to accept it not turning out the way you would have desperately wanted. Today courage for me was being able to do a backwards roll on land – Chakrasana. Tucking in my chin and swooping my legs behind me. I think my biggest gains in yoga have been its promotion of courage and confidence. Maybe this is from feeling that physical strength develop in your body, the development of muscle (possibly too much) the realization that each day you are getting fitter, that your legs carry you well, that your back is strong and straight and tall. It promotes a good sense of wellbeing. Throughout the day I am fighting the wish to do a handstand when I see a possible supporting wall, or stopping myself from running through the office on a whim. This urge satisfied by the odd skip when I’m in flat shoes…

I have had to have heaps of courage lately. I have been thrown into situations that demand it. I have had to have very strict talks with myself about this blushing business and I have listened and paid attention to every detail around me. I need to be at my most focused and productive. This is crucial!

Despite my achievements, despite my strengths and despite my courage there is this darkness which looms – that which threatens to ruin everything. That I will always be my own worst enemy; that when everything fails, I will only have myself to blame; that I have being given so much and yet I am undeserving.

What is it? What the hell is this darkness?

Or maybe quite simply I will always be a person of excessive nature. There is no balance. I am darkness or I am light. (A tad biblical maybe…)

Two wonderful things happened today; really wonderful because of the sincerity and unselfishness in their intentions. My friend at work left an orchid for me on my desk with a note “keep smiling”. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that without her knowing it – it was the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a really long time! Then my yoga teacher gave me a huge hug after class. She said I had a really good class – she didn’t need to, and yet without her knowing it – it was so much of what I needed today. Here I am battling these inner demons, consumed with doubt, self-loathing almost and conflicted on every level – and out of the blue these women were there…

Courage to face yourself in the mirror perhaps and say you are okay. Courage to be selfless in your desire to make someone happy and wanting nothing in return.

Yes, I have been doing a lot of yoga lately, be the change you want to see in the world…mmnn I get it.

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