“I seriously be…

“I seriously believed he was my soulmate.” “He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, and brings you to […]

Optic Update

Well its been about 10 months and I have finally been given the confirmation that my eyesight is not coming back – apparently nerves don’t regrow or something – I don’t know, Im always a bit lackadaisical about looking into the details! So now its really about getting to terms with it all and acknowledging that I really need to look after my one good eye! Good grief. I could question the shit out of all this – why me and all that – but I suppose there is no point really, except maybe it would lead to some kind of spiritual enlightenment…?All I keep experiencing is the certainty of an existential life. The ‘what the fuck’ randomness of it all. Like really – is anything that we do actually matter in the great scheme of things? You can be as virtuous as possible and yet – sheer dumb luck seems to rise above all else. 

In other happier news – traveling this year has been pretty mind-blowing – I fell in love with Seattle. Its sleekness, sexyness and sophistication. Ireland was quaint and Thailand was an enriching experience. 

But here I am  – blogging, in my city apartment – still questioning the meaning of it all – and as frustrated as all hell – because I can’t seem to get it right!

 

blah blah blah fishpaste.

An odd state of affairs

If it wasn’t so cruel – it would be hysterical. Two to eight weeks he said. What kind of time scale is that? I mean what are those numbers based on – what kind of fucking swing in the dark – thumb suck bullshit data is that to give someone to process?

Two to eight weeks – its day two and I’m climbing walls.

The horribly delicious irony is I am that person who relishes a day of leisure – who frequently took ‘sickies’  to spend a day in the wine lands, who could never understand those people who got bored at home, Boredom equated to a lazy, uncreative, unimaginative person.  I am longing for my office, my work colleagues, the job, the projects, my team…oh the irony – I found something I love doing and now I am incapacitated – in a fucking scary way.

 Today is day four of an ever decreasing lack of vision in my right eye. I haven’t tested myself this morning – but I am pretty sure my vision has gone from being blurry to now not even registering a flicker.

It started out as blurry vision on Sunday  from what I had imagined to be a result of a long day of drinking with very little to eat on Saturday – a migraine without the headache. Sunday night paranoia crept in googling loss of sight… then I imagined a tingling sensation…a stroke…at my age…damit Kim all those cigarettes, all that booze; you’re going to be the girl that mothers warn their kids about! “She tried to get healthy – but it was too late…”

Then the urgent request for Opthamologist appointment on Monday morning. She kept asking me if I took pills – said it is a mystery and to go home and drink lots of water – I had no idea I looked like a druggie – then memories of being 16 and taking LSD came to mind…OMG – those long term effects of LSD that they kept warning us about! I googled…my wild days haunting me with every keystoke.

 I drank about 5 liters of water – did a couple of headstands – maybe I just need a bit of blood rushing into my eye socket. Monday night I phoned the emergency room – an amount of  R600 extra after hours – screw it!  I then drank a bottle of wine, got numb and slept. Maybe it had all been a dream.

 Tuesday – Doctors appointment – just down the road so I’ll drive – zero peripheral vision on right side – so probably a bad idea.

I think at this point – I am calming myself down, my mantra – you are going to be fine, you are always fine. But maybe this is the one time you are not – maybe this is it – no more getting by on a wing and a prayer – your time is up – this is why you aren’t married, this is why you have no kids – because it will be one thing you are grateful for  when you die a painful, ungraceful, sad death from the tumor in your eyesocket…

More tests – more letters I can’t see, extended silences from my GP.

“You need to see an Ophthalmologist” He says.

“Yes, but will I live?”

My voice is high-pitched and hysterical. I do dramatic well.

“Of course you’ll live, but let’s just make sure we diagnose you correctly – it looks like a ultrasensortythingymigig – which is cured by medication.”

Another Doctors room. Frigid, Sea Point unattractive receptionist reading me the fine print; a thousand ways for me to want to turn around and leave her alone to wallow in her miserable existence of a life. All I can remember hearing: “it might be hours…cash business only…up to R800 probably more…not medical aid approved rate.”

I asked if there are any ophthalmologists that are within medical aid rates – no answer. I didn’t care what she said – I may live – but now was I going to lose my sight?

The tiniest little eye doctor that ever was,  examined my eye – nodded his head when I asked if it was serious –told me all the worst case scenario’s… but that it should clear between  2 and 8 weeks.  A heavy prescription of cortisone for a month that only cost R11. My medical fees for such a diagnosis over the last couple of days have amounted to more than R1600.

The tears started the minute I left the car park – leaving my one good eye blurred – not ideal.

So here I am day two of my 2 to 8 week diagnosis of Optic Neuritis.

 Fuck.
 

I wrote this roughly 10 weeks ago – since then I have been hospitalized, tested for MS – got some lovely photographs of my brain and my body poisoned and deformed by cortisone. It’s cool – I don’t have MS – but my sight hasn’t come back either. But it isn’t completely blind anymore – just shit.  I’m too angry and scared to go back to any of the Doctors – the tiny Ophthalmologist that correctly diagnosed me, has actually gone into retirement – maybe seeing how devastated he made me with his vague answers led him to believe he may not be so helpful anymore.

Since having this thing – I get to hear loads of weird and wonderful ‘eye’ stories, but I have yet to meet someone who has had this, or even know of someone who has had it! I would so like to get one authentic happy ending! Or even to know if ones sight comes back gradually, or do you wake up one morning and miraculously it is all back??

Anyway – I felt the need for an old friend tonight. An old friend born out of what I then construed as a tragedy…the irony.

Gratitude

Courage.  The type you need to take a risk, but then having the courage to accept it not turning out the way you would have desperately wanted. Today courage for me was being able to do a backwards roll on land – Chakrasana. Tucking in my chin and swooping my legs behind me. I think my biggest gains in yoga have been its promotion of courage and confidence. Maybe this is from feeling that physical strength develop in your body, the development of muscle (possibly too much) the realization that each day you are getting fitter, that your legs carry you well, that your back is strong and straight and tall. It promotes a good sense of wellbeing. Throughout the day I am fighting the wish to do a handstand when I see a possible supporting wall, or stopping myself from running through the office on a whim. This urge satisfied by the odd skip when I’m in flat shoes…

I have had to have heaps of courage lately. I have been thrown into situations that demand it. I have had to have very strict talks with myself about this blushing business and I have listened and paid attention to every detail around me. I need to be at my most focused and productive. This is crucial!

Despite my achievements, despite my strengths and despite my courage there is this darkness which looms – that which threatens to ruin everything. That I will always be my own worst enemy; that when everything fails, I will only have myself to blame; that I have being given so much and yet I am undeserving.

What is it? What the hell is this darkness?

Or maybe quite simply I will always be a person of excessive nature. There is no balance. I am darkness or I am light. (A tad biblical maybe…)

Two wonderful things happened today; really wonderful because of the sincerity and unselfishness in their intentions. My friend at work left an orchid for me on my desk with a note “keep smiling”. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that without her knowing it – it was the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a really long time! Then my yoga teacher gave me a huge hug after class. She said I had a really good class – she didn’t need to, and yet without her knowing it – it was so much of what I needed today. Here I am battling these inner demons, consumed with doubt, self-loathing almost and conflicted on every level – and out of the blue these women were there…

Courage to face yourself in the mirror perhaps and say you are okay. Courage to be selfless in your desire to make someone happy and wanting nothing in return.

Yes, I have been doing a lot of yoga lately, be the change you want to see in the world…mmnn I get it.

No smoking – no thinking – no sense

Its been a hard day. Hard – testing – gruelling. Been thinking back to them dark days – nostalgia –  a bit of a dark dog biting at my heels. I will never interview well. Ever.

Its my lot to bear.

I’m still quite intigued – its almost hysterical – my complete loss of reality and logic at the most crucial time.

*cringe*

Oh my dear…at least you didn’t take that drag.